Celluloid Reduction

DAY EIGHT!

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 20:00:14 GMT

OK, folks, sorry for the delay, but you see, we had to move into the future before we could do our last poll.
          E: S, stop treating our readers like they're dumb.
          S: I'm not! I'm perfectly serious! Today is our FUTURE POLL, so we had to, you know, be in the future.
          E: You mean you dropped the ball.
          S: Well, excuse me! It's not like you don't have the login password or anything...
          E: How many times do I have to tell you? Sarcasm does not come across well in writing!
          S: A billion.

Dear Readers! We have tabulated the scores! We know who participated in the Olympiad and how many points they ~~both~~ each have! We will be announcing the winners just as soon as you all earn another TEN (10) points by doing this fun, clickable poll! Yay!

View Poll: CR FUTURE POLL

DAY SEVEN!!!

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 02:32:59 GMT

View Poll: Celluloid Reducers Knowledge Quiz

How well do you know your reducers? Do you think you know all about E and S, henceforth to be called zibbycomix and lepusdomesticus ? Test your knowledge today! And afterwards, we're having a food fight!!

RULES FOR FOOD FIGHT: None, really. Try some recipes, share some pictures, whatever. We just want to celebrate our love of the culinary arts. It's Dinner and a Movie here every Reduction! : ) Once again, inviting a Friend to share the fun earns you TWO points!!

DAY SIX!!! Woohoo!!!

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 18:22:58 GMT

Well, Dear Readers! We've made it to the weekend. Plenty of time to catch up on all your game playing and review your favorite Reductions. Today, because Everybody Loves Saturday Night, we've got TWO games for you to play!

CHALLENGE ZIBBYCOMIX!

This is like Connect Two in a way, except you're challenging E in Disney Trivia! Ask her a question about your favorite princess or song lyric or whatever and be amazed by her vast Disney Knowledge (TM)!!! : )

AAAAAAAAANNNNNDDD

PART TWO OF OUT MATCHING GAME!!!!

EASY:

1. E: Just because there's a desert and a pillar of fire and a plague of locusts does NOT mean this is The Ten Commandments!
2. S: Because in 1965 people believed that all great artists were heterosexual.
3. CR: Higgins suddenly realizes that one can't be a proper Englishman without an umbrella...I mean, wife.
4. E: Moody's just returned from his appearance on Pimp My Broom.
5. S: So, there are only two unicorns in the world and they're both stallions?

HARD:

6. S: This movie's almost as old as I am. Frankly, I think I turned out better.
7. S: Now, the Prince knows how to use his knife! See, he's not sticking it in his ear like some people...
8. S: Man, I could say so many things about Demosthenes right now...But I won't.
9. S: Harry, meet the door. Door, meet Harry's wrath.
10. E: This must be one of the things Lorenzo changed when he restarted history.

IMPOSSIBLE:

11.S: A légpárnás hajóm tele van angolnákkal.
12. E: Hee hee. For a second, I thought you said underpants.
13. S: I get it for the articles, I swear!!
14. E: Well, I've never taken this seriously before; I see no reason to start now.
15. S: If you don't let me fast-forward, I fear for your life.

MOVIES:
A. Legend
B. The Agony and the Ecstasy
C. My Fair Lady
D. Hidalgo
E. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

DAY FIVE!!!

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:43:30 GMT

Wow, kids! We've made it to the fifth day of our First Ever Celluloid Redux Games! Today's challenge tests your knowledge of our Reductions themselves! This is PART ONE of two.

RULES: There are three categories listed below (Easy, Hard, and Impossible). Each category contains FIVE quotes from our first five Reductions ever, one from each of the Reduced Movies listed below. Match the quote to the movie we were watching when we said it! (So, each Movie will be used three times, once per each category) That's it! Make a comment with your answers! Have fun!

EASY:
1. E: Why would Harry think Lupin would have a dementor locked in a trunk? Like he said, "Oh, I think I'll just invite this dementor around for tea sometime."
2. E: And Leopold has like eight names...just like Dumbledore!
3. S: Well, you know, when a guy is half fish, what you see is pretty much what you get.
4. S: You know, if they really spent this much time dancing, I'm not surprised Bonnie Prince Charlie lost the war.
5. S: Assassins! Character assassination in the Cathedral!! Er...throne room or whatever.

HARD:
6. S: What? They lost?! Under Owain I, king of Gwynedd?? Since when??!!
7. E: He's only saying that 'cause he's standing right next to the wanted poster.
8. S: Well, he has Super-Greek-Mythology-Knowledge! and knows how well marrying a mortal worked for Thetis.
9. E: So, what? They'll all just be sleeping in some netherworld for all eternity? What if Prince Charming comes and kisses them?
10. S: Just what Kate wanted--trading an out of work mad scientist for an out of work actor.

IMPOSSIBLE:
11. E: I think I'd prefer vampires at this point, actually.
12. S: Yes. Our readers have the luxury of doing such things. We are stuck watching this instead.
13. E: Oooh! Extreme slashiness ahoy!
14. S: Beauty fades like a rose, but poverty lasts forever.
15. E: You said no dog abuse...

MOVIES:
A. The Little Mermaid
B. Kate & Leopold
C. Becket
D. Brigadoon
E. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

DAY FOUR of the CR OLYMPIAD!!!

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 18:44:18 GMT

lepusdomesticus: IMDB made me obsolete.
zibbycomix: Oh? You mean you have no other talents or skills than remembering movie trivia?
lepusdomesticus: Yes, exactly.
zibbycomix: Well, at least you'll still be useful at parties...if the power goes out...and all the world's batteries die...and the internet implodes...and all modern technology ceases to exist.
lepusdomesticus: Thank you, E. That is a great comfort to me.

Dear readers! It is day four of our eight day marathon of movie madness!! Our next game is fun for you and not so much for us--our way of letting you give back after all the joy we've brought you!

zibbycomix: Acutally, that doesn't make sense at all.
lepusdomesticus: Since when does anything we do have to make sense?
zibbycomix: Oh. Yes. Good point.

This game tests the amazing uselessness of lepusdomesticus' brain! You see, S watches way too many movies and has the dubious ability to remember the names and faces of movie stars. Science tells us this is a perversion of what was once a useful adaptation, back when humans were hunter-gatherers and lived in small family groups! In fact, S can connect any two movie stars to each other, strictly through their work with other movie stars.

zibbycomix: This is a really stupid game.

We call this game CONNECT TWO!!

zibbycomix: The name is worse.

RULES: S will not consult any resources. She will use only her powerful memory! You are encouraged not to use IMDB either, but, again, we'll have no way of knowing. Simply leave a comment on this post with the names of two movie stars you'd like to see connected! Then, S will connect them to each other! Then she will connect them back again (so it's like a circle) using different movies!

zibbycomix: Is this like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?
lepusdomesticus: Vaguely. Stop interrupting.

Zibbycomix will start off the game so you can see how it works. (zibby says: I will? lepus replies: Yes, you will.) If you manage to stump S (a rare and improbable event), you must supply the connection yourself. If S succeeds in making the connection, you must invite ONE (1) Friend over to challenge her anew! Sounds fun, eh?

HINT: S does best with living actors over the age of 30 who work primarily on English-language films. There are a few exceptions. : )

Note on Prizes: We've thought up a Grand Prize! YOU get to Reduce the movie of your choice with E and S! We'll bring the popcorn!

DAY THREE! How well do you know CR?

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 19:26:53 GMT

View Poll: How well do you know Celluloid Reduction?

Answers on Tuesday! Enjoy!

DAY 2 OF THE Celluloid Reduction Olympiad!!!

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 20:27:04 GMT

There was a LiveJournal production
called Celluloid Reduction.
We all got our yuks
from celluloid_redux--
blame their poor sentence construction.

That's right, dear readers, Day Two of our Celebratory Games features a...LIMERICK CONTEST!!!!!
        E: No! Not...a LIMERICK CONTEST!!!!!
        S: Yes, you heard me right, a...LIMERICK CONTEST!!!!!
        E: (gasp!) A...LIMERICK CON--oh, for heaven's sake, this is silly!
        S: Of course it's silly! We're doing it, remember?
        E: Oh, yeah. A LIMERICK CONTEST!!!!

RULES AND SCORING: OK, guys, here's the deal: 3 points for submitting a limerick, 2 points for submitting a humorous poem in another form, 1 point for a joke (but only if it's funny). 1 point more if your poem relates to Celluloid Reduction, E and/or S, or one of the fine feathered films we're Reduced so far. 2 extra points for inviting a Friend! There will also be American Idol style voting on Tuesday the 18th to determine the best entry.

HINT:  Limericks follow this structure:

da DA da da DA da da DA da
da DA da da DA da da DA da
da DA da da DA
da DA da da DA
da DA da da DA da da DA da

with the three long lines rhyming with each other and the two short lines rhyming with each other. Good luck!

NOTA BENE: ALL GAMES WILL STAY OPEN UNTIL 11:59 p.m. MST, on MONDAY, NOV. 17th, so keep on guessing at those movie quotes and share the love with everybody you know!!!

And here's a hint at what some possible prizes may be: A good book, a framable work of art, an elegeic ode to you written by a professional poet (seriously), bragging rights and recognition all over LiveJournal, and maybe even...your name in print!!! So keep playing!

Are You Smarter Than S's Brother Elmo?

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 18:13:19 GMT

Of course you aren't. There's a reason why we call him Mycroft Holmes around here, you know. But it is QUITE possible that you might know more about movies than he does!!

You see, dear readers, it is our TENTH MOVIEVERSARY!!!!!! We're going to party like it's 1999!!!
          zibbycomix : S, it's 2008! Almost 2009.
          lepusdomesticus : I know that E! I'm just trying to set the mood!
          zibbycomix: OK, OK, sorry.
Anyway, dear readers, because eight days a week we lo-o-o-o-ove you, this is not just a one day event, but a week long Celluloid Reduction Olympiad!!! We have ten games, contests, polls, and quizzes planned JUST FOR YOU!!! YES, YOU!!! We will have one new post a day, with two each on Saturday and Sunday, ending on Monday the 17th with a big bash celebrating our history of tireless work to better your movie-watching lives, and looking forward into our bright future! (And yes, we do have one!) Each game we do will be worth points, which will be tabulated as we go and also at the end of the week. The people with the highest scores will win FUN PRIZES!!! So, invite all your friends over and let's get started!!!

GAME ONE

MOVIE QUOTE QUIZ:

Name the movie each of these quotes came from: (hints and rules at the end)

1. Good evening. I am God.
2. Damn! Where is that kid? Damn! Damn!
3. There's only a hundred and fifty of them!
4. Statement! Two-love.
5. Light the lamp, not the rat! Light the lamp, not the rat!
6. I'm sick and tired of making miniscule profits!!
7. Will somebody get this big walking carpet outta my way?
8. My only shot at ever being in a gang fight, and all I get is one stitch?
9. Plastics.
10. Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

HINT: Whenever we Reduce a bad movie, we like to quote better movies. Each of our Reductions has a quote key at the end of the mockery. Every single one of the above quotes is from a movie we've quoted before during a Reduction (but none of them is from a movie we've reduced!). If you get stumped, you might check out the quote keys to see which of our many movies we've quoted seems like the most likely candidate.

RULES AND PRIZES: Each quote is worth ONE (1) point. Leave a comment with your answers. Comments will be screened so that every entrant has a fair shot. Oh yeah, and for all these games, we trust you not to go over to IMDB or Google the answers. But, we won't be able to stop you from cheating. So, look in your heart, and know the right thing to do. : )

SPECIAL: You will earn TWO (2) points for every friend you invite over to play! (Friends must note that you sent them over here in their comments.) So, if you were to, say, invite five people over to play, you would get TEN (10) points, even if you didn't guess any of the quotes!! So, spread the word!!

The Games Are Afoot!!! (Don't trip over them, please!)

S/Slash=OTP!

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:37:07 GMT

Dear, dear, dear readers! We are not dead! In fact we are back with a vengeance, or at least a very silly, long-winded reduction of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. We haven’t forgotten our own tenth movie-versary either! We’re thinking of restructuring Celluloid Reduction so it’s easier for you—yes you!—to read. We haven’t quite figured out how, though. Anyway…On with the show! We have changed our names. Let us know if this makes it easier to read. Since both E and S have “LiveJournals” now, we have used our user names here (although there’s no need to bother with E’s Journal—it’s boring and never updated). Like this:

lepusdomesticus, formerly S: I have discovered slash fanfiction.

zibbycomix, formerly E: I’m so proud of you!

lepusdomesticus: Yes. I’m afraid it has changed my life. I think it fried my brain. I can’t stop thinking about it…

zibbycomix: (singing) “A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view!” (Disney’s Aladdin)

lepusdomesticus: Gosh…I’m kind of sad, actually. I haven’t re-read the books since Deathly Hallows came out. I don’t want to say goodbye! I mean…Harry Potter has introduced me to so many amazing and wonderful things—castles and hippogriffs and magic wands and hot-illegal-underage-gay-boy-sex! …

zibbycomix: …

lepusdomesticus: … I have to go now.

zibbycomix: S/slash=OTP!

lepusdomesticus: Actually, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the portrayal of homosexuality both in the books and in the fandom. Remember all those Sirius/Remus shippers?

zibbycomix: And you were their queen. Yes, I remember.

lepusdomesticus: Well, after the seventh book came out, people were all saying that it negated the ship.

zibbycomix: Because of Lupin/Tonks?

lepusdomesticus: Well, that, and also how Sirius had all those posters of scantily-clad women in his room.

zibbycomix: Uh-huh.

lepusdomesticus: But I was thinking, I mean, wasn’t it funny how they were muggle pictures?

zibbycomix: Oh dear. I sense a theory.

lepusdomesticus: You know me so well. But, think about it. The Blacks were this ultra-pro-pureblood family, right? But look at the other similar families we know. The Malfoys only have one child; the Lestranges have none; even the Tonkses only have one child. It seems to me, as is often the case with inbreeding, that the pureblood families have a major fertility problem. The only exception we’ve seen is the Weasleys. Now, wizards live such long lives, that after they produce heirs, they have a long sexual life in front of them. If they can’t have any more children, it hardly matters with whom they have sex, if you see what I mean.

zibbycomix: I’m not sure.

lepusdomesticus: See, I don’t think homosexuality would be a big deal in the wizarding world, particularly among men, so long as they got married and produced a child or two beforehand (or at the same time, which is much more possible for males, biologically speaking, if you see what I mean.)

zibbycomix: Actually, that makes sense, but what…

lepusdomesticus: Because, Sirius’ only purpose in life as a teen was annoying his parents as much as humanly possible. His only identity away from school really was rebelling against everything his family stood for—which is why he chose Gryffindor (And you can’t tell me he didn’t say “Not Slytherin,” just like Harry did!), and why he got a motorcycle and plastered pictures of Farah Fawcett or whoever on his bedroom walls. It would be much more offensive to his parents that he would—I hate to put it like this—waste his precious pureblood seed on a muggle, than to be gay.

zibbycomix: OH!...Dang! You do think about this a lot, don’t you??

lepusdomesticus: Yes, I do. And then, of course there’s the other canonical evidence.

zibbycomix: I’m not sure that explains Lupin, though.

lepusdomesticus: Aha!! But, Lupin has a lot of self-doubt. Having been shunned by the wizarding world for being a werewolf his whole life, he has an innate need to feel included. We see that canonically by his acceptance of the other Marauders’ misbehavior because he was afraid to jeopardize their friendship. With Tonks throwing herself at him all the time, he was bound to cave into the pressure. And, supposing she got knocked up rather unexpectedly, Lupin would, of course, feel honor-bound to do the right thing and be a responsible father…except that didn’t really work out in the end, anyway. But Teddy turned out well with a very positive view of his parents and the world in general, so I guess that can only be a good thing. After all, the last thing he would need would be to hear his father constantly lamenting and memorializing his extraordinary best friends who died fighting Voldemort. Hearing what his parents and godparents (Harry et al.) did from his grandmother would be bad enough.

zibbycomix: That’s a bit morbid, S. But it does make a lot of sense. You have me convinced.

lepusdomesticus: Why, thank you, E. I knew I kept you around for a reason.

zibbycomix: Gee, thanks. You know, I’m kind of disappointed in the movies for their portrayal of the Marauders’ generation. I mean, people who only see the films must wonder why all the fangirls are so crazy about them.

lepusdomesticus: True. I mean, in book five, the real Sirius is only 35 and is described frequently as “once handsome,” etc. I mean, that Black bone structure doesn’t just go away. The children would be beautiful.

zibbycomix: Your children you mean? (giggles)

lepusdomesticus: I like to pretend everything after page 804 (American hardback) of OOTP never happened.

zibbycomix: Of course. The kids would all have black hair and hazel eyes and Sirius would name them all James—Jemima, Jacobus, Seamus… (is overcome by a fit of laughter)

lepusdomesticus: I am never speaking to you again.

zibbycomix: I think the movies have influenced me too much. Anyway, I do wonder why so many people spend so much time trying to come up with logical explanations for all the plot holes.

lepusdomesticus: Oh, E, you poor ignorant thing, you. I have three tiny little monosyllabic words that will make everything clear to you!

zibbycomix: Yeah, go on!

lepusdomesticus: They aren’t those!

zibbycomix: (thinking) Wait…I don’t…get it…

lepusdomesticus: It’s all real!!

zibbycomix: I guess that explains why so many people like to parody the movies…

lepusdomesticus: Hey, that reminds me…How the heck did the word “spork” come to refer to the skewering of a book or movie on the internet? That is just weird.

zibbycomix: Maybe because a spork is useless, like the internet, and can only be used to spear things that are already pretty mushy?

lepusdomesticus: Huh. Maybe. Incidentally, the patent for the spork is held by an American.

zibbycomix: Why am I not surprised?

lepusdomesticus: Because America is a land of great genius?

zibbycomix: No. Why am I not surprised you would bring it up?

lepusdomesticus: …Um…(hopefully) Because America is a land of great genius?

zibbycomix: …

lepusdomesticus: Speaking of interesting words. I think we should adopt some British words in America like snog and winge.

zibbycomix: And dodgy and rubbish! And lush, meaning good.

lepusdomesticus: Yes! Also chouette. Technically, that one’s French, but it’s like, “Chouette!”

zibbycomix: Isn’t that the word for cabbage?

lepusdomesticus: That’s chou.

zibbycomix: Oh. So they’re little girl cabbages?

lepusdomesticus: (sarcastic) Yes. They are palest pink Brussels sprouts.

zibbycomix: (not picking up on it) Well, that’s appropriate, with Umbridge and all.

lepusdomesticus: Which brings us to our recipe this week!

zibbycomix: We’re going to poison people with pink sugar?

lepusdomesticus: I was thinking we’d do a nice side dish of braised sprouts, for the bitterness in Harry’s heart at the thought of his grim future fighting the Dark Lord, the sourness of Umbridge and her evil Ministry connections, plenty of salt for the tears we shed over our favorite character, and some sliced, toasted almonds.

zibbycomix: For the hard times ahead?

lepusdomesticus: No, ‘cause they taste good.

zibbycomix: …

Maple-Citrus Brussels Sprouts with Almonds and Bacon

about 20 Brussels sprouts, cleaned and halved

2 slices bacon

1 Tbl. lemon juice

1 Tbl. maple syrup

2 Tbl. sliced, toasted almonds

1. Fry bacon in a large skillet until crisp. Remove from pan and dry on paper towels.

2. Add sprouts to hot bacon grease and sauté 5 min. or until well browned. Place in a bowl and drizzle with lemon juice and syrup, stirring well to coat. Sprinkle on almonds and crumbled bacon.

Serves 4

And Now The Score!

lepusdomesticus: First of all, anyone else find it disturbing that Angsty!Harry’s inner soundtrack consists almost entirely of old Crystal Gayle songs?

zibbycomix: Can we give bonus points for so many of the actors being smoking hot?

lepusdomesticus: …

1. Title: 3 points. It has the same title as the book. Then again, the actual titular organization was hardly shown and not well explained.

2. Story: 12 points. Obviously, the original story is fantastic. Point deduction for plot holes that made this movie confusing, and more points off for plot holes that made this movie not fit in with the rest of the series—past and future. These include the idiotic destruction of the Room of Requirement, the mangling of Snape’s Worst Memory, the lack of Dumbledore’s letters to Petunia and Harry’s need to spend every summer there, the idiotic chopping of the prophecy, the lack of Kreacher’s betrayal, the lack of the locket horcrux, and, as usual, the lack of attention on the adult characters. Also, some things that should have been cut entirely to save on time and money were Grawp (ugh), and Nigel. The Umbridge hates half-breeds storyline was not really so important in the end, but it should have been either explained or cut, as well as a number of other similar storylines that made their way half-way into the film. Also the cutting of all students must stop immediately. Hogwarts is a school for magic, not a terrorist detainment center.

3. Characters: 5 points. Sirius was reduced to winking and giving stock clichés, I mean advice. Dumbledore was meant to be distant, not completely out of the loop. We do love Umbridge, of course. And Neville grew significantly, but the rushed pace left little room for development. Can we have a three hour movie? Please??

4. Research: 8 points. I think the screenwriter actually read the book. The characters were much more like their own book selves, and the use of the Daily Prophet added a nice touch—actually, many nice nods to the books.

5. Casting: 6 points. We’ve been over this before. They’re all good. They’re all wasted. The kids are getting more range. Just a little.

6. Crew: 5 points. Points off for the director. Yes, he seemed to care, but the story was disjointed, rushed, and headache-inducing. I can’t imagine non-readers would have a clue what’s going on!

7. Writing: 8 points. Why so harsh? The script made use of many lines from the book, but there should have been more. Many scenes ended in a blank silence that could have been filled with the wit, humor, and (dare we say it?) plot of the book. The scenes went too quickly, and many seemed largely pointless. Internal logic as mentioned in Story, above. Mad-Eye Moody, anyone? I didn’t think so.

8. Music: 3 points. S actually doesn’t like the original John Williams score. The music was better than #4’s, and some songs were quite nice, if they didn’t all match up perfectly with the scenery.

9. Genre: 3 points. What is the genre of Harry Potter? Is it for kids? It must be, because adults would find themselves laughing at unintentionally funny things too many times.

10. Editing: 1 point. Fine. Quick. Choppy. Occassionally. We. Talk. Like. Mrs. Figg. Also, Bridge to Nowhere. We noticed.

11. Effects: 3 points. The centaurs were loads better, but still not great. Grawp was…well, pointless and not so well-done. Giants are tough. The thestrals were cool, though they couldn’t take off or land. Even Buckbeak took off and landed…Spells were better, especially between Dumbles and Voldie.

12. AND?? 2 points. This is the first movie to really capture the tone of the book. OOTP was a dark political tale in which Harry was angsty to say the least. Overall, we liked it.

TOTAL: 59 points. NOT BAD. Not bad at all. We still miss Quidditch and Rita Skeeter.

Also, the boron joke was courtesy of S’s dear friend, Muppet Name Janice (as her significant other is Floyd.)

Who's Your Daddy?

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:31:51 GMT

The Stupendous Six run away! They are pursued by Death Eaters riding clouds of black wind, or something.

celluloid_redux says: WTF?

zibbycomix: Actually this reminds me of that plague of locusts in Hidalgo.

lepusdomesticus: Somebody needs to take away Tinkerbelle’s Fairy Dust Distribution License—now Captain Hook can fly, too. (34)

Meanwhile, Ginny has a sudden burst of reducto!

Everyone: “Run away! Run away!” (35)

zibbycomix: You know, the kids weren’t this helpless in the book.

lepusdomesticus: (snicker) Hermione runs like a girl.

Baby, it’s a long way down…to the veil. Hermione is skeptical.

Harry: Get behind me!

zibbycomix: Too late, Harry, they’ve all been captured by Death Eaters.

Harry: Shit! Again! Friends are useless.

zibbycomix: That scene was crap. So unfortunate.

lepusdomesticus: Meanwhile, Lucius and Bellatrix are having a moment. So not canon. Then again, the movie actors…

zibbycomix: …are both pretty hot. Yeah.

Harry just hands the prophecy over. celluloid_redux is not amused!! At least Neville is a true Gryffindor.

lepusdomesticus: Grrr. Just, grrr.

zibbycomix: I know. Most of the changes I don’t mind, but when they change someone’s character, it really bothers me.

lepusdomesticus: Speaking of which…Here comes the Order! The light! The light!

zibbycomix: Yeah. The Death Eaters ride on black wind, and the Order on white. Symbolism, much?

Sirius: Get away from my godson! (Decks Lucius)

lepusdomesticus: Jeez! “Are you a wizard or aren’t you??” (36) Ahem…From the book: “But instead of leaving it to Madam Hooch to sort out, you two decided to give an exhibition of muggle dueling!”

zibbycomix: Hee hee! I love that scene!

Meanwhile, Lucius Malfoy drops the ball—literally.

zibbycomix: Finally, Lupin!

lepusdomesticus: Did he just say, “You’re beautiful, Harry?”

zibbycomix: No.

Bellatrix cackles.

Sirius: Nice one, James!

lepusdomesticus: Le grand sigh. I don’t even have a response to that anymore.

Bellatrix: AVADA KEDAVRA!!

Sirius: (is shocked) That didn’t happen in the book…

Harry cries. Lupin gives him a hug. Harry screams, but we hear only the poignant music; our pain, like Harry’s, is too great for words.

zibbycomix: Do you need a hankie, S?

lepusdomesticus: (giggle) I love watching that man die!

zibbycomix: WHAT?!!

lepusdomesticus: He’s so good at it, in so many ways. I mean, he’s been hanged, shot, stabbed, blown up (twice by the same director), decapitated, thrown out the back of a moving 747 (I think that’s my favorite); he’s OD’d, once died of old age, was turned into some robotic arthropod thing and fell through a time warp (I didn’t really get that one either), and very occasionally, he lives, much to the disappointment of his fans. And now he’s been eaten by a ratty old curtain. His career is complete.

zibbycomix: You’re sick. You need help.

lepusdomesticus: No, I just think he’s a very talented thespian and I’m glad he’s in the movie.

zibbycomix: He’s a what?

lepusdomesticus: Thespian. From the sixth century BCE Greek poet Thespis.

zibbycomix: Oh…I thought you said…never mind.

lepusdomesticus: … ANYWAY…

Harry plays hide-and-seek with baby-talking Bellatrix.

Harry: Crucio!

Bella doesn’t want to play anymore.

zibbycomix: Harry! That’s unforgivable!

lepusdomesticus: By the way, where the heck is Dumbledore?

Dumbles appears in the fireplace—just like Santa!

lepusdomesticus: Oh. There he is.

zibbycomix: He was looking for his glasses. He didn’t find them.

Voldie still can’t handle his wand properly.

zibbycomix: Come on, S. It’s his wand. He can play with it however he likes! In the privacy of his own home at least.

Bella: Oh! Your Dark Lordliness! I want to bear your evil children!

Voldie: Um…My family’s nutty enough without adding you to it.

Bella: Can I just polish your wand for you?

Voldie: Can’t you see I’m trying to possess a good-looking underage boy? Get lost, woman!

Bella: Hmpf! (thinking) I can wait. Some day he will be mine. Hmm…Mrs. Bellatrix Mort. No…Mrs. Belldemort…Ugh. The Dark Lady…Ooh. I like that.

Bella goes AWOL. Meanwhile, Dumbledore and Voldemort battle with their lightsabers.

Dumbledore: But kill me, Vader, and I will become more powerful…oh wait, sorry.

lepusdomesticus: OK. I admit. The effects here are pretty cool with the snake made of fire and the water and even the shattering glass turning to sand.

zibbycomix: OMG! They’re fighting with all four elements! Now all they need is the Fifth Element to unite them all and destroy evil once and for all! I mean, um…

lepusdomesticus: The fifth element? You mean boron?

zibbycomix: …

Harry: I wanna play too!

Dumbledore: STFU! (shoves Harry away…magically)

Suddenly, Voldie has disappeared! Which way’d he go??

lepusdomesticus: Hee hee… “Now, now, Merlin, no disappearing!” “I didn’t disappear, Mim! I am a germ. And you caught me!” (37)

zibbycomix: Ha ha. Instead of “Where’s Waldo?” now we have, “Where’s Voldie?”

Harry: At last I’ve got the Dark Lord inside me! …It’s not nearly as comfortable as I had hoped it would be.

Dumbledore: Opposites attract, I mean, um, “It’s not how you are alike. It’s how you are different.”

zibbycomix: Was that a proper sentence?

Meanwhile, all Harry’s pals think he’s dead! Harry flashes back to his father taunting Snape.

lepusdomesticus: So, if James is kind of blondish, how does Harry have black hair?

Voldie: Harry! “I am your father!” (38) Just kidding.

Harry: “You know, secretly, I always wished you were my father. I guess it was just because you were so much taller than my father.” (39)

Voldie: OMG! STFU! I’m gettin’ outta here yesterday!

Harry: “If there’s one thing men can’t stand, it’s talking about their feelings.” (40)

Everyone: Yea! Care Bears care!! (41)

zibbycomix: And Voldemort conveniently stops to taunt Harry, so Fudge will see him.

Voldie: You will lose…everything.

zibbycomix: Even his memory? He should get a remembrall.

lepusdomesticus: “There is nothing lost than cannot be found, if sought.” (42)

Fudge: He’s back!

Everyone: Duh.

And the newspaper montage shows that all is well…or the music suggests that anyway.

zibbycomix: They can’t leave the filmgoers in suspense!

lepusdomesticus: The Lord of the Rings did!

zibbycomix: Well, those are just all-around better movies.

lepusdomesticus: True.

Harry tidies his room. Die-hard fans are extremely disappointed at the lack of Nearly-Headless Nick and Dumbledore’s explaining of the prophecy and all.

Dumbledore: I love you, Harry!

Harry is confused.

zibbycomix: So are all the members of the audience.

Harry: The prophecy says, “Neither can live while the other survives.” It means…one of us…has got to kill…the other.

celluloid_redux says: No. The line “Either must die at the hand of the other” means that, stupid.

Harry: “I won’t let it change me, not if I can. I’d rather believe in love. And give it away as much as I can, to those that I’m fondest of!” (43)

Meanwhile, Luna is lost. Harry is shocked. Luna takes Harry’s hand.

Fangirls: OMG!! UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension)!!!

Harry: Hey look! Mistletoe—no. Shoes. [expletive] I thought I was gonna get lucky again!

Luna offers an inspirational speech. Harry has to one-up her by the train. By the way, nice jacket, Harry.

Harry: I’ve been thinking about something Dumbledore said to me…

zibbycomix: Dumbledore said this to him?

lepusdomesticus: No, he just made it up. He’s a very disturbed boy—can’t always tell reality from fiction.

Harry: …about the one thing we’ve got that Voldemort doesn’t have…

zibbycomix and lepusdomesticus: OMG!! (singing) “The weapon we’ve got is love!!” (44)

Harry: Something worth fighting for.

zibbycomix and lepusdomesticus: Nuts!

zibbycomix: Wasn’t that profound?

lepusdomesticus: What? Sorry, I missed it. Meanwhile…even the credits are pink!

zibbycomix: Amazingly, this wasn’t the worst ending of the movie series!

lepusdomesticus: You see the bright side of everything, don’t you?

zibbycomix: The butterbeer bottle is always half full.

Quote Key:

1) Due South

2) Star Wars

3) “Come Home, Daddy”

4) See mistful’s wonderful review

5) Alice in Wonderland (Disney)

6) Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator (Roald Dahl)

7) Wall Street

8) Monty Python’s Flying Circus

9) “Blood Wedding”

10) The Sixth Sense

11) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

12) Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s/Sorcerer’s Stone

13) See (listen?) PotterCast’s Summer of Harry Tour Live Shows

14) Saturday Night Live “Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley”

15) Jurassic Park

16) “It’s All Right With Me”

17) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

18) Adventures in Babysitting

19) “Your Old Cold Shoulder”

20) The Simpsons

21) “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

22) Batman

23) Due South

24) Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

25) The Muppet Movie

26) several movies in the Star Wars series

27) Chinatown

28) Breakfast on Pluto

29) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, or so we were told

30) The Matrix

31) The Lion King

32) Futurama

33) I Love Lucy

34) Peter Pan (2003)

35) Monty Python and the Holy Grail

36) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

37) The Sword in the Stone (Disney)

38) The Empire Strikes Back

39) and 40) Due South

41) The Care Bears

42) Edmund Spenser “The Fairie Queene” (Book 5)

43) “Dreamin’ My Dreams With You”

44) by Harry and the Potters (yea!)

Lucius Has A Lotta Splainin' To Do

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:28:00 GMT

And now it’s spring and the kids are feeling frisky! And suddenly Hagrid is back.

Harry: Laters, Cho! A tall, dark-haired man wants to see me!

Cho: This is so not working.

lepusdomesticus: Meanwhile, the music sounds a lot like Beethoven’s “Pastoral” Symphony.

Umbridge’s delicate nose is offended by giants.

zibbycomix: Is she marking her territory, or what?

Hagrid: I went to parley with the giants.

celluloid_redux says: Parley? (snicker) (24)

Harry: Did the giants join You-Know-Who?

lepusdomesticus: I think you’d know if they had, Harry.

Hagrid: Now then, let me tell you all some clichés.

Harry: Tell me what I want to hear, you big, strong, manly half-giant, you.

celluloid_redux says: WTF?!

lepusdomesticus: Melodrama, anyone?

zibbycomix: No thanks, I’m full.

Bellatrix licks her Dark Mark and cackles as she stands on the edge of a gaping hole in the side of Azkaban, which is perched atop a waterfall.

lepusdomesticus: I think I spoke too soon.

zibbycomix: Oof.

Daily Prophet: Storms Ahead!!

zibbycomix: Don’t they have weather charms or something?

Neville is upset.

lepusdomesticus: Hey, look! The kids are eating something called Breakfast Owls Cereal. That’s funny.

Seamus is so manly and apologetic, Harry lets him into his secret fan club. And then Harry is alone with Neville in front of Cedric’s portrait. Will the lucky lightning strike in the same place twice?

zibbycomix: Sadly, no. Neville is just going to exposit for us.

lepusdomesticus: By the way, what the heck is Neville’s patronus? We never saw it, did we?

zibbycomix: Not this again.

lepusdomesticus: Meanwhile, Ginny has fangirls…

But suddenly, the Harry Fan Club meeting is interrupted! It’s an earthquake! No, a T-Rex! No, it’s ten times worse! It’s UMBRIDGE!!

Umbridge: “Bombarda maxima”!

celluloid_redux says: Oh God, not that again!!

zibbycomix: So much for that room…and the whole plot of books six and seven…

lepusdomesticus: And Dumbledore is going to do nothing about the destruction of the castle??

zibbycomix: I don’t think movie!Dumbledore really does anything…except drugs.

Draco has Cho in a death grip while the Inquisitorial Squad captures the DA.

Harry: (thinking) Oh boy! Draco and Cho! My two favorite hotties united by wanton cruelty. I’m too giddy for words!

Back in Dumbledore’s Office, there’s a storm comin’.

lepusdomesticus: Oh God! Now Dumbledore’s winking! It’s contagious!!

zibbycomix: So, at last we have Percy in the movie, but no explanation of how or why!

lepusdomesticus: Dawlish looks like a kind of creepy two-bit noir detective.

zibbycomix: Actually the whole escape thing seems kind of pointless. Although Fawkes ROCKED!

lepusdomesticus: One does wonder how he felt about Dumbledore clapping his hands suddenly around his tail. Looks like an uncomfortable way to travel…

Kingsley: You may not like him…

zibbycomix: Not like him?? Surely, no one would admit to not liking Dumbledore in public!

We will attempt to ignore the idiocy that follows this scene and just state that Dolores has now established her Evil Empire.

Umbridge: “I find that if I can inflict a little pain during the day, I sleep good at night.” (25)

lepusdomesticus: I do just have to pause here and say how much I hate the sudden punishment of all the students including a very small boy with Umbridge’s “special” quill. The point of her using it only on Harry was that, a) Harry was the weak link—if he could be broken, the whole resistance and undermining of the ministry by Dumbledore would collapse, and b) (more importantly, in fact) she knew Harry wouldn’t go for help. Harry was completely alone. If even half of those kids went to their parents saying Umbridge was abusing children in the most horrific of ways, she would be kicked out, disgraced, and probably imprisoned. I mean, come on, do you really think parents would let that go? Many of the kids’ parents work in the ministry. Fudge wouldn’t let Umbridge get away with that, even if only to protect his own political position.

Meanwhile, Harry shuns Cho. Then Harry blames himself…kind of pathologically.

Harry: I don’t want to care!!

lepusdomesticus: Bit early for that sentiment, Harry…

zibbycomix: Just a tangent—That seems to be a bridge to nowhere.

lepusdomesticus: Or everywhere. It’s very convenient.

And we’re suddenly in the forest.

zibbycomix: There are a lot of sudden transitions in this movie, aren’t there?

Hagrid: The centaurs are riled up!

lepusdomesticus: (snicker) Sorry. I’m immature.

And now we meet Grawp The Utterly Pointless. Grawp wants to ring Hermione’s bell.

Grawp: Me just see King Kong. Me grab Fay Wray.

Everyone: WTF?!!

zibbycomix: To the filmmakers’ credit, Ron does try to save her.

lepusdomesticus: Yes, E. That is a comfort. Too bad it wasted about two minutes that could have been used on the Department of Mysteries.

We are just going to let the next scene speak for itself. This is reproduced verbatim.

Harry: (having a vision of kissing Cho) That’s private!

Snape: Not to me!

Harry: I’m not weak! Anyway, Cho’s just my pubescent beardlet, I swear! I really love…someone else.

zibbycomix: S!

lepusdomesticus: Harry was thinking it, anyway!

Snape: Control your anger! “Come over to the Dark Side!” (26)

lepusdomesticus: OK, I did add that last line. Tell me no one else thought of that, too.

zibbycomix: Yeah. I do think the digital insertion of Snape in scenes from previous movies was pretty awesome though—a good visual representation of what Occlumency is.

Harry is filled with love for Sirius.

Snape: I may vomit.

zibbycomix: Perfect line there.

lepusdomesticus: Yes. The next section is an eye-opener.

Harry: We’ve been at it for hours! If I could just rest…

Snape: The Dark Lord is not resting!!

lepusdomesticus: …So, “The Dark Lord” is a euphemism for his…

zibbycomix: …master.

lepusdomesticus: Right.

zibbycomix: And what’s this stuff about Sirius whining about his upbringing?

And suddenly we are in Snape’s Worst Memory…except it’s not, because Lily isn’t there. And if you blink, you’ll miss it.

lepusdomesticus: I do just want to crow a bit if I may. I was so vindicated by Book Seven about this. I knew it was his worst memory because of Lily. After all, if he really hated James more than anything else in the universe, wouldn’t his worst memory be of James rescuing him from Lupin? Also, a brief tangent—you do realize Dumbledore totally lied to Harry in Book One when he said Snape tried to save Harry to repay a debt to James, when of course, he was keeping him alive for Lily.

James: Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s trousers?

zibbycomix: If I may draw everyone’s attention to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, wizards don’t wear trousers.

lepusdomesticus: Yeah! Show ‘im James! Potter! Potter! Potter!

zibbycomix: I am so ashamed to be sitting next to you right now.

lepusdomesticus: Sorry…you know…school boys undressing one another. I just got excited…

zibbycomix: … Actually, I’m starting to go through slash withdrawal myself. I’m starting to like the whole Harry/Snape thing.

lepusdomesticus: I just had a weird thought—do you think these scenes could work if Harry had been a girl? Or would all the characters’ genders have to be changed to keep the same dynamic? What if it was Severette Snape who hated Harriet because she looked exactly like Lily, but had James’ eyes? Except Lily would have been the bully with her three best friends…Never mind.

zibbycomix: My brain hurts.

lepusdomesticus: Meanwhile…Doesn’t Snape not seem angry enough? My biggest complaint in all these movies is that the characters don’t seem really emotionally involved. I mean, Harry’s a lot better in this one, but on the whole, they mostly just look awkward running around in silly costumes for two hours.

Gred and Forge meet a little boy in the corridor and plot their revenge on Umbridge. Now we are in Harry’s Charms O.W.L.

zibbycomix: That pendulum behind Umbridge is enormous! Do you think she’s trying to compensate for her height?

Get Ready For Some Fireworks!

lepusdomesticus: This whole movie is too understated.

zibbycomix: Meanwhile, Fred and George should totally have a sign on their shop that says, “Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes—Serving Justice to Umbridge Since 1995.”

Gred and Forge are disrupting an O.W.L.!! We are shocked! Sacrilege! But we’re not as shocked as Umbridge…One of the fireworks turns into a giant dragon!

lepusdomesticus: They stole that from Gandalf!

And Umbridge is smoking in front of impressionable children!

zibbycomix: It’s only her hair.

And there’s a big W in the sky—double Victory sign, perhaps? Flitwick is pleased. Nigel isn’t in his school robes; then again, he’s not a real character, so he can’t be expected to know better. Harry has a vision of Voldemort torturing Sirius. All the blood flows out of his brain into other parts of his body, causing him to faint.

lepusdomesticus: Why can’t Voldie hold his wand properly?? Doesn’t he seem a bit…fey?

zibbycomix: I’m still in shock from the last line of your scene heading…

Harry: Sirius!

Hermione: No…Hermione. (to Ron) The boy’s touched.

Harry: No! Voldemort is torturing my beloved godfather! I have to go watch! I mean, rescue him!

Hermione: Harry! It’s a trap!

Harry: He’s the only family I’ve got left!

lepusdomesticus: I assume he’s referring to Voldemort there…Although actually, Harry seems to be somewhat related to every major character in the books, except perhaps Hermione. Suddenly I understand why that ship was so popular…

zibbycomix: OK, this line actually really bothered me. In the book, Hermione thinks the vision is fake and that Sirius is not actually in danger. Here, she thinks the vision is real, so she seems not to care what happens to Sirius at all.

But we have no time to dwell on that, because the kids have just rushed over to UHOP—Umbridge’s House of Pink-Stuff.

zibbycomix: Harry seems so stupid there, using Umbridge’s fire without any explanation of the people watching outside the door and all. Actually, what’s he doing, anyway? Going to the Ministry by Floo Powder?

lepusdomesticus: Did you see the kitten leaving its plate to tattle on them?

Harry’s extremely clever, well-thought-out plan does not work. We are shocked. Meanwhile, Umbridge ties him to a chair and slaps him across the face.

Umbridge: How do you know Sirius Black?

Harry: He’s like my father! (is slapped) No, he’s like my brother! (is slapped again) He’s like my father and my brother!! (27)

We notice that the kids changed clothes before executing this brilliant plan.

zibbycomix: Well, he didn’t want to look plain for his favorite godfather.

lepusdomesticus: “What is it with freedom fighters and couture?” (28)

Meanwhile, Snape informs Harry that Cho is innocent. Harry feels the tiniest twinge of guilt. Hermione is relieved. Snape wants to poison Harry. We agree.

Harry: He’s got Padfoot! He’s got Padfoot at the place where it’s hidden!

lepusdomesticus: Umbridge sure lets that go easily…

Umbridge: That’s it! The torture I need now transcends tools. It’s time for the Cruciatus Curse.

Hermione: But that’s illegal!

zibbycomix: I’m glad she told everyone that.

Umbridge puts Fudge’s picture face-down. The cats are shocked. Hermione is terribly emotional.

Hermione: I can’t remember my line!

Harry is shocked.

Harry: What are you doing?

Hermione: Improvising.

lepusdomesticus: Bad idea, kid. Try five more years of acting school first.

Umbridge is fooled. The Plot can continue. But only for three seconds.

Umbridge: You know, I really hate children.

lepusdomesticus: This is the third-best non-canon line in the movie I think.

Suddenly, drums start, announcing the really bad CG centaurs! Hurray! Umbridge and the centaurs have a disagreement. Hermione wants to start SPCW—the Society for the Promotion of Centaur Welfare. Grawp grabs Umbridge—apparently his taste in women runs toward “alive.” Or maybe “pink.” Hermione does wear pink a lot in the movies…

zibbycomix: Harry does nothing to help Umbridge or the centaurs?

lepusdomesticus: Harry has a “saving people he likes thing.”

zibbycomix: Ah.

Umbridge: Tell them I mean no harm!

Bad!Ass!Harry: I’m sorry professor. “I must not tell lies.”

lepusdomesticus: That’s the second-best one.

zibbycomix: It’s nice they go in reverse order…it’s almost like the movie gets better as it goes along.

lepusdomesticus: There’s no blood! How do the thestrals find them? I guess they’re special flying horsies that just come when you call them.

zibbycomix: And they’re on the bridge again. How can it lead directly from both Hogsmeade and the Forbidden Forest?

lepusdomesticus: It’s Hollywood?

Ron did something clever! Hermione is shocked. Neville asks the obvious question. Yea, Neville!

Neville: How will we get to Neverland?...I mean, London?

Luna: We fly of course!

Everyone: Of course!

zibbycomix: So…they all see thestrals now?

Apparently it was too expensive to actually show the kids landing…

lepusdomesticus: I was really sorry they left out my very favorite thing from the book—“Harry Potter, Rescue Mission.” That was classic.

Harry: (to audience) This is it! The climax of the movie! If you need to go to the bathroom, it’s too late!

The prophecy balls look like moons. Harry dashes down the corridor, searching for his beloved godfather, who, typically, has stood him up.

Harry: Shit!! That’s anticlimactic.

zibbycomix: S! You cursed!

lepusdomesticus: E, my poor deluded child, this is magical war. Cursing is expected. Anyway, it’s what Harry was thinking.

zibbycomix: Hmmm…

Neville: Hey Harry! I just randomly found this crystal ball with your name on it. Of course, that’s not really surprising since you are the hero of the story.

Harry: My name? What’s that? Should I touch it? Should I touch it? Where’s my mosh pit? (29)

And, inexplicably, as soon as Harry touches the prophecy orb, he hears…some random line fragments of stuff we all already knew…

Prophecy: Harry! You are The One!

Audience: Does this explain his Keanu-Reeves-style wooden acting? (30)

Harry: (singing) “I’m gonna be a mighty king, so enemies beware!” (31)

lepusdomesticus: Well, that sucked.

zibbycomix: So disappointing in so many ways.

Meanwhile, Luscious Malfoy has returned with his Halloween costume! Hurray! Harry is shocked.

Voice-Over: Welcome to the Department of Mysteries. “This concludes the portion of your tour where you stay alive.” (32)

Bellatrix: Neville! How’s mum and dad?

Neville: Better now they’re about to avenged!

lepusdomesticus: Sigh. That’s number one. Sadly, it didn’t pan out that way in the book. Apparently the screenwriter thought Neville would off Bella too.

Lucius has a lot of ‘splainin’ to do. (33)

Lucius: Now, Harry, if you want me to stop expositing, you can just hand over the prophecy.

Audience: Do it, Harry! Please!

zibbycomix: Seriously, though…Lucius’ argument makes sense how?

In The Bat Cave

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:22:18 GMT

Harry is trying his friends’ patience. And then he writes about the weather to something called “Padfoot.” We think it’s a code. The scenery is beautiful.

lepusdomesticus: Maybe it’s the music, but did this seem vaguely Jane Austen-y to you?

zibbycomix: Thanks for the weather report, Harry.

Exterior forest. Day. As we pan across the primordial forest within Jurassic Park, the dinosaurs give harsh reptilian cries as our intrepid hero and heroine gaze at them in awe. The music swells as the audience feels the same wonder as the characters. Then a sudden shaft of light reveals…thestrals. Oops. Wrong movie. (15) Harry is fixated on Luna’s lack of shoes.

Harry: Feet. You have them. Naked.

Harry is not taking this very well.

Harry: “I can’t say how happy I am that we’ve met. I’m strangely attracted to you. There’s someone I’m trying so hard to forget. Do you want to forget someone too?” (16)

Luna: I totally understand the way the Dark Lord thinks.

Harry: That’s odd. I thought I was the only one.

Luna: I see many things other people don’t.

Harry: Like thestrals? Sorry. That was insensitive.

Author: Psst! Harry! You’re in your self-centered teen angst phase!

Harry: Oh [expletive]! Sorry! I mean, um, Luna…you crazay!

Luna: But I’m right. I read the script.

Harry: Oh. That’s OK, then. (thinking) I am listening to a girl who keeps raw meat in her bookbag…

zibbycomix: To quote real!Hermione, “That’s not very hygienic.” (17)

Harry is not very appreciative of Luna’s wisdom.

lepusdomesticus: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I fed the eels?

zibbycomix: You know, S, we’ve been friends for a long time, but there are some things I really don’t need to know about you…

lepusdomesticus: No, no. See, there was this old bacon that was starting to stink, so I stuck it in my backpack and went to this river…

zibbycomix: I’m not listening!! La la la…

lepusdomesticus: It’s OK. It was in New Zealand. They do things differently down there.

zibbycomix: Oh God! I took my fingers out of my ears just when you said something about “down there!” La la la…(sings) Think of a wonderful thought…

lepusdomesticus: Sigh. I get no respect.

Hermione criticizes Ron’s need for food. celluloid_redux is not amused. Montage of Umbridge’s interference at Hogwarts. Snape is still hitting people. We suggest an anger management course.

zibbycomix: And now we get the part of the movie called Extreme Makeover: Hogwarts Edition.

lepusdomesticus: The sacking of Trelawney is really sad.

zibbycomix: I know! No Firenze!!

lepusdomesticus: …

zibbycomix: I’d also like a moment of silence for the quiet assassination of Minerva McGonagall’s character.

lepusdomesticus: She went with grace, understatement, and something almost like dignity, E. She would have wanted it that way.

zibbycomix: Also, I was wondering when Draco started taking Divination.

lepusdomesticus: I knew it! The sherry was just an excuse! In the sixth book when Harry catches them in the Room of Requirement together…

zibbycomix: …And I thought I had read too much fanfiction!

“Dumbledore”: Don’t you all have studying to do??

lepusdomesticus: Professor Dumble-Thor! I know why you’re so grouchy! You’re not wearing your magical half-moon spectacles! Here! Take mine! (18)

zibbycomix: I don’t think he can hear you, S.

lepusdomesticus: (cries)

Harry: Professor!! Don’t leave me!!

zibbycomix: Harry has abandonment issues.

Harry: “What we had, we don’t no more—we can’t feel it anymore. I thought a love like ours would never die. But you get colder every day, every night you turn away. You couldn’t say it any plainer if you tried. ‘Cause there’s nothin’ colder than your old cold shoulder[…] You say it’s not over, over and over, but your old cold shoulder tells me it is!” (19)

Later the Tremendous Trio is crowded around the wireless, listening to the latest speech of ~~Winston Churchill~~ Cornelius Fudge.

Harry: Sirius!

lepusdomesticus: Dang! Harry just says his name and he appears, just like Thor!! Sirius! Sirius!!

zibbycomix: He’s dead, S. The movie is merely recounting the events.

lepusdomesticus: (cries)

zibbycomix: At least the effects are better this time.

Sirius: Is Umbridge teaching you all to kill half-breeds?

lepusdomesticus: Oddly, that line is nonsensical now that they cut that storyline…

zibbycomix: More on that with the scoring.

Sirius: Voldemor-T is on the move.

lepusdomesticus: What is he, an army??

zibbycomix: And Sirius doesn’t even say goodbye! That’s so sad!

Hermione: He really is out there, isn’t he?

lepusdomesticus: No, he’s a figment of Harry’s imagination. OMG! TANGENT! I had this awesome idea for a fanfic or maybe a novel…The whole Harry Potter saga is happening inside Harry’s head! See, he’s schizophrenic, or just delusional, and he creates this fantasy world to deal with his problems. He doesn’t like his family, so they become The Dursleys, right, so he can pretend he doesn’t really belong to them. And he gets some escape by going to secondary school, where he makes a few friends. Ron and Hermione are probably real, but they aren’t as close as Harry pretends because there was no troll or anything, get it? And I don’t know who Voldemort is…like the evil side of Harry’s psyche, which is why they’re so similar, right? And he’s secretly in love with Draco (who’s not really named Draco of course, because that’s not a real name), but Draco ignores him and so Harry makes him his mortal enemy in his fantasy, because he’s jealous. And anyone who likes Draco immediately becomes a villain, but Draco’s very popular in school, so it’s like a whole quarter of the school (i.e. Slytherin) is against him. And Snape is his difficult chemistry teacher and Dumbledore is that distant professor who’s just not very interested in his students. McGonagall is a good teacher; Trelawney is a really bad one. You know. And Hagrid is like the school gardener or something—sorry, terrible vision of Groundskeeper Willie (20) there. Anyway, yeah. And you can see how it all works—Rita Skeeter and longing to be famous and important, imagining himself as the fourth champion when of course there are only three…Get it??

zibbycomix: … My brain kind of shut down there, but I think it was awesome.

lepusdomesticus: Of course, it’s late and this movie is doing weird things to my mind. I think it’s all the pink.

MEANWHILE, Harry is shocked. And a wild thunderstorm sympathetically appears before turning into weird Snow!Voldemort. Cool! And then we jump to the Hog’s Head.

Aberforth: Come along Mabel!

Mabel the Goat: Baaa!

Die-hard Harry Potter Fans: YES!!

Hermione is afraid of speaking in front of groups…Huzzah! Super!Hermione is no more!! Meanwhile, Michael Corner is very interested in Harry’s relationship with Cedric Diggory.

Michael Corner: (thinking) If Harry’s gay, then he’s not competition for Ginny. (aloud) Harry, are you gay?

Harry: WHAT?? What the [expletive] kind of question is that?? Where on Earth did you get such a…such a…such an idiotic idea?? (thinking) Is it that obvious??

Michael Corner: (thinking) Methinks the intrepid hero doth protest too much…SCORE!

Meanwhile, some creepy kid wants to know all the gory details about Cedric’s death.

zibbycomix: That must be Zacharias Smith.

Smith: So, how exactly did the dead body look?

Harry: Not nearly as hot as it did in life. Wait…What kind of sicko are you??

Smith: Sorry. I have a slight morbid fascination with death…and maybe the tiniest crush on you.

Harry: Oh…that’s OK then.

Ron: I hate Zacharias Smith.

Hermione: I’ve seen Harry’s patronus!!

Ron: WHAT????

Hermione: Except in the movie-verse I actually haven’t.

Ron: Whew…Wait, does that mean you’ve seen it in the books?? I’m not sure I’m OK with that.

Hermione: (Hums Françoise Hardy song “Ton Meilleur Ami”)

Harry: Look, school is not real life!

lepusdomesticus: Thanks, Harry. So true.

zibbycomix: Meanwhile, Dan is acting!

lepusdomesticus: He has four whole expressions now! And Ginny can speak!

Hermione: It’s fun breaking rules!

Ron: Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?

celluloid_redux says: Um…Hermione’s been breaking rules since Book One…

Hermione: But Harry! Cho couldn’t take her eyes off you!

lepusdomesticus: Eww! That’s so gross!

Ginny is not amused. Meanwhile, Umbridge has ears like a bat! And Neville is Dobby with worse hair…

lepusdomesticus: Wow! A magical door appears out of nowhere! That’s never happened before!!

zibbycomix: S, remember, sarcasm doesn’t come across well in writing.

lepusdomesticus: No kidding.

Hermione: I’m so proud of you, Neville! Of course, I know all about the Room of Requirement. Allow me to regurgitate Hogwarts, A History.

zibbycomix: How come she couldn’t find it then? If she knows all about it…

lepusdomesticus: I do hate how movie!Hermione always calls Ron “Ronald.” She never once said that in the book, did she?

The Room of Requirement presents: A Storm Trooper! I mean, um, a fake Death Eater!!

S’s Mom: That’s stupid.

zibbycomix and lepusdomesticus: … We totally agree.

Harry notices Neville flourishing his wand…

Harry: Stunning’s an important part of your arsenal.

lepusdomesticus: Stunning’s in your what??

zibbycomix: Arsenal. … Darn it, S! Stop doing that!

lepusdomesticus: (laughs)

zibbycomix: Meanwhile…Why do we have to have this Nigel guy in every movie? He’s underage!!

Cho: Harry! Will you hold my hand? I’m sure I could get the spell right if you showed me how to do it.

Harry: … I am tempted, Cho, but first I need to pat Neville’s arm. He’s so much taller than you are. I like tall, dark-haired m—…people.

Cho: I’m a year older than you.

Harry: You have found my weakness. “I’ll tell you something: I wanna hold your hand[…] Please let me be your man.” (21)

Meanwhile, Filch is on a stakeout…And Ron finds Hermione stunning.

Ron: I let her do that. It’s good manners you know.

lepusdomesticus: He’s read Book Seven—How to Charm Witches.

zibbycomix: Since when is levicorpus a verbal spell?

lepusdomesticus: Meanwhile, Ginny is super!powerful! We are shocked.

zibbycomix: I don’t think you can really use reducto on a person…

Cho finally gets Harry where she wants him…standing next to a picture of Cedric.

Harry: I heard Umbridge gave you a rough time…wish I could’ve watched. I mean, um…

Cho: What? I wasn’t listening, I was making mistletoe appear with a nonverbal spell. You’ll learn that when you get to be my age.

Harry: (babbling) Cedric was really good! It’s just…Voldemort was better. Such strong, powerful, manly wizards they both are, too. Or were…in Cedric’s case. Uh…

They kiss, while standing five inches apart.

lepusdomesticus: You can get a real crick in your neck that way. At least put your arms around her, Harry!

zibbycomix: That would be inappropriate in a children’s movie.

lepusdomesticus: Can’t wait ‘til Won-won and Lav-lav are “writhing around like eels” in the next one, then.

Later, in the Common Room, Ron has reason to worry.

Hermione: I’m sure Harry’s kissing was more than satisfactory.

zibbycomix: Um…Hermione, how would you know??

There follows a popular line from the book. The young actors are amused.

zibbycomix: It's nice that Hermione explains Cho's emotions so well. Now they just need to explain the plot.

Director: Oops! Left the camera rolling while the kids were laughing at their stupid lines. Plus this movie costs about $2 million per second. I’ll leave it in.

Later, Harry dreams about a giant snake…and hears Sirius’ voice. But who’s that tall, mysterious man in the shadows? Oh, it’s Mr. Weasley…in pajamas. Jeez Harry! That’s a bit too far now, don’t you think?

zibbycomix: I’m surprised Nagini didn’t finish Arthur off, actually.

lepusdomesticus: She was originally supposed to, you know, but Jo thought that would be a bit much. Frankly, I think most of the deaths in Book Seven were gratuitous…

Suddenly we’re in Dumbledore’s office.

lepusdomesticus: That was fast…

zibbycomix: My head’s spinning. Then again, Harry’s probably is, too.

Phineas: I’m Phineas. You don’t know who I am or where/what Grimmauld Place is.

HP Fans: OK, Mr. Yates. The goat was funny. This, however, is not cool.

Harry is EMO! Snape is not amused. Dumbledore thinks this can’t wait.

lepusdomesticus: Dumbledore really needs his glasses. Can’t he see how sweaty Harry is?

Harry: Look at me!

Dumbledore: At the end of the movie I will reveal that I didn’t wear my glasses all year for a reason—so I couldn’t look at you, emo!boy. Get him away from me, Severus!

In the Bat Cave! (22)

Director: Sweaty!Harry in the Bat Cave is what slash fans dream of! They will love me for this!

Harry: Am I still dreaming?

Snape: Let me get my tools.

Harry: …

Snape returns with his utility belt.

Harry: “I suppose you’re going to tell me that’s your purse?”

Snape: “Sure. If you keep stuff in your pockets, you get unsightly bulges in your pants. Not that you’d know anything about that,” being a wizard, and all. (23) In other news, The Dark Lord is a sadist.

Harry: Well, duh.

Snape: So am I…sometimes. I will now attempt to penetrate your mind. You will attempt to resist.

Harry: (delirious) Do I have to? Resist, I mean.

Snape: Of course. It’s no fun if you don’t.

Harry: Can I call you “Professor”?

Snape: You better!

Harry: Why is that, sir?

Snape: You don’t want to see what’s in my other purse.

lepusdomesticus: …When I said I wanted slash, this was not what I meant.

zibbycomix: …No kidding.

Back at Number 12, Arthur is recovered enough to pull a paper crown out of a cracker.

HP Fans: (singing) Weasley is our king!!

zibbycomix: So, Hermione fits right in with the family, but Harry doesn’t?

lepusdomesticus: And Sirius is winking again. Make him stop!!

Suddenly, Harry decides to look around the house and finds a tapestry.

zibbycomix: Um…since when is Phineas blasted off the tapestry??

Harry suddenly realizes that Number 12 is Sirius’ house.

lepusdomesticus: He’s a bit slow on the uptake, isn’t he?

Sirius: I was always welcome at the Potters’.

Harry: I’d like to carry on that tradition!

Sirius: You and James are so much alike.

Harry: Really?

celluloid_redux says: Um, no. Not really.

Harry: I’m not so sure. I’m angry all the time! (Sirius nods knowingly) When I thought I was a giant snake, I wanted to bite people! I’m bad! I need to be punished!!

Sirius: (pats his arm sympathetically) Harry, the world isn’t divided into good people and Death Eaters. We all have both dark and light in us.

Harry: (miffed) No one understands me.

zibbycomix: Meanwhile, ending the scene with a close-up of Sirius’ burn mark on the tapestry is overkill.

lepusdomesticus: (cries)

The Slash Comes Early And Often

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 01:17:51 GMT

WARNING: This Reduction contains foul language (twice!), violence to works of literature, adult themes, and innuendo of sexual deviance including masochism and bestiality. Some parts of it may not be suitable for inner children.

zibbycomix: Do you think the warning is really necessary?

lepusdomesticus: Definitely. This movie traumatized my childlike inner Harry Potter fan.

zibbycomix: And we begin with a murky title thing informing us that this is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, AKA The Blue One.

lepusdomesticus: And we’re flying through dementors now, apparently.

zibbycomix: Cue punk rock music…

lepusdomesticus: Actually, I was thinking of “99 Dementors,” but I think we sang that already for POA.

Newscaster: …With temperatures in the mid-30s…

lepusdomesticus: “What’s that in real temperature?” (1)

zibbycomix: Hitting the quotes a bit early today, are we S?

lepusdomesticus: Well, the darn movie goes by so fast…

Newscaster: That’s the mid-90s Fahrenheit.

zibbycomix: Thank goodness they translated that for us Americans! By the way, should we make fun of “Big D,” or did Harry do it enough for us?

Harry: Hey Big D! Beat up another 10-year-old?

Big D: This one deserved it!

lepusdomesticus: And the last one didn’t?

zibbycomix: Darn snotty kids! Gettin’ uppity and all. Teach ‘em a lesson. And Harry’s been moaning in his sleep.

lepusdomesticus: Shh! E! He wasn’t asleep, he was playing with his wand! Weren’t you around the last time we did a Potter movie?

zibbycomix: I’m trying to forget. Meanwhile…Dudley ships Harry/Cedric.

lepusdomesticus: As do the rest of us, after that awful movie…

Big D: Who’s Ced? Your boyfriend?

zibbycomix: Yes! I love it when the slash comes early and often!

Harry: (Sighs) Ours was a great love. Had circumstances been different…But, alas, he’s dead now.

lepusdomesticus: Pst! Harry! You don’t have to tell him everything! He won’t understand!

zibbycomix: This is the problem with being raised in a cupboard. You don’t know how to interact with other people. In other news, Dudley’s Boy Band, I mean gang are all dressed in hot metallic colors!

Big D: Where’s your mum? (repeats) Is she dead? (repeats)

lepusdomesticus: He only has one line. He just says it over and over.

zibbycomix: This is for the Americans in the audience.

Harry sticks his wand in Dudley’s chins.

lepusdomesticus: Um…breach of the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery, not to mention the International Statute of Secrecy.

zibbycomix: And Dudley’s friends just laugh. Oh no! Harry’s doing an inadvertent weather charm again! Or is that a new power of the dementors? Oh well, doesn’t matter, Dudley’s friends are still afraid they’ll melt in the rain!

lepusdomesticus: And we’re in a creepy pedestrian underpass…The suspense builds…until…the creature from Alien appears and makes Harry’s face blurry again.

zibbycomix: Hee hee. For a second, I thought you said underpants.

Harry drops his wand.

zibbycomix: Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of…white misty stuff. At least his patronus moves in this movie, even if it’s only slightly stag-like.

lepusdomesticus: Well, Harry’s older now. He has more control over these things.

Automaton playing Mrs. Figg appears stage right and exposits on Cedric for the ignorant audience members.

zibbycomix: OK…that really kills the mood. She’s not even shouting! And no cat food in sight.

lepusdomesticus: Meanwhile…Aunt Petunia looks really…um…provocative. That is…um…kind of…

zibbycomix: …Yeah. Totally.

Vernon: You’ve finally turned him loopy!

lepusdomesticus: Finally? They were expecting this?

zibbycomix: They’ve read the books.

lepusdomesticus: And we’re back to owls hitting things again. Sigh.

Owl Post informs Harry he’s been expelled! Harry is shocked!

zibbycomix: Well, it’s one of only three expressions he has.

And Emo!Harry hits the door of his closet thing and then is sorry.

lepusdomesticus: Harry, meet the door. Door, meet Harry’s wrath.

zibbycomix: You could break a finger that way, Harry!

lepusdomesticus: Wow. That was almost like acting there. Well done, Dan. Meanwhile, Harry is still looking at that picture of his parents from the third movie and dreaming about Cedric.

zibbycomix: …illustrating how Harry’s hair has changed in the last year…

S is distressed by the use of the “H” word (hair), but Harry is distracted by house-breakers.

zibbycomix: I don’t know if this was ever explained, but…who opens the door?

Tonks: “Hi! My name is Luke Skywalker! I’m here to rescue you!” (2)

lepusdomesticus: And Harry is happy to see Moody, which is strange because someone who looked exactly like him tried to kill him last year. I have a feeling we’ll revisit this later…

zibbycomix: Where’s my beloved Professor Lupin?? Where??! Why is he not in this scene?? WHY????!

Instead we go on a sightseeing tour of London. The chase music is pretty cool, though.

zibbycomix: Moody’s just returned from his appearance on Pimp My Broom.

lepusdomesticus: Anyone else get the impression Harry is sort of keen on Tonks?

zibbycomix: And now Moody’s gonna play with his magic stick!

Number 12 appears by magic! Harry is shocked.

zibbycomix: Shocked and awed…and emo. By the way, how did Moody get a magic stick? Did he, like, glue fifty wands together, or something?

lepusdomesticus: Yep, Harry thinks Tonks is hot…until he sees Sirius.

zibbycomix: There’s Lupin!

lepusdomesticus: But…but…Where’s the slash?? I want the slash! Alfonso would give us slash! I miss Alfonso! Come back, Alfonso! Come back!!

zibbycomix: There, there, S.

Harry: Aww! Molly! You’re blockin’ my view!

Molly: Not now, Harry. You need to go straight to bed…with the boy your own age. I mean, your bedroom. The room you sleep with Ron in, I mean you sleep in and Ron also sleeps there.

Harry: “You just don’t understand, I need a man, I can’t hold a memory…” (3)

lepusdomesticus: Kreacher and Mrs. Black are so…quiet…and non-threatening.

Blonde!Hermione gives Harry a hug! Harry is outraged. In a very understated kind of way. Meanwhile Sirius thinks Harry is James…

zibbycomix: And why is Snape there? I mean besides the fact that I love Alan Rickman and could listen to his voice for all eternity…Did I say that out loud?

lepusdomesticus: I am so annoyed at the whole Jarry thing… (4) If I may just take this moment to quote THE BOOK, “‘I’m perfectly clear who he is, thanks, Molly,’ said Sirius coldly.” Humpf! So there. I’m talkin’ to you David Yates!

zibbycomix: And Crookshanks eats the extendable ear. That is so gross!

lepusdomesticus: (Snicker!) Gred and Forge whip out their wands for everything.

zibbycomix: And Harry finally gets to hug Sirius. Aww…How nice. And Sirius and Lupin are sitting next to each other at dinner. I do wish we could have seen the fight between Sirius and Snape, though.

Lupin: Last time Voldemort almost destroyed everything we hold most dear.

Sirius: (thinking) Almost??

Harry: I wanna be a man and fight!

lepusdomesticus: And Sirius is winking. Does this bother you?

zibbycomix: I don’t know. The fourth movie’s inexplicable character tic was worse.

Harry and Mr. Weasley have fun with the Tube.

lepusdomesticus: Isn’t this the same music from when Aunt Marge blew up? I do love this moment with Arthur, though.

zibbycomix: I also want to point out in this Reduction that they totally changed the order of just about everything.

lepusdomesticus: One clever fan, can’t remember who, not I, called it the Reorder of the Phoenix. But we won’t mention all the specific instances for want of space/time.

zibbycomix: S! There’s no discussion of spacetime in OOTP! The timeturner was in the third movie!

lepusdomesticus: …

Clark Kent dashes into the phone booth to change into…no wait, sorry.

zibbycomix: Hee hee. Sorry, just it looks like kind of a tight fit!

lepusdomesticus: I think this counts as a misuse of a muggle artifact.

Harry is shocked…no, sorry, impressed. It’s so hard to tell sometimes…

zibbycomix: Hey look! Newsies!!

lepusdomesticus: Grr. Well, yeah they have the Fountain of Magical Brethren, but it’s, quite literally, overshadowed by a giant statue…

zibbycomix: Is that the Fountain of Magical Brethren? I was wondering why they had a big golden homage to The Blob there.

Harry is late! He’s late for a very important date! (5)

lepusdomesticus: Luckily he can get anywhere in the Great Glass Elevator! (6)

Oh no! ~~Luscious~~ Lucius Malfoy is waiting in the hall! What will our intrepid hero do??

Lucius: I sneer at you, my hair sneers at you, and my snake-headed cane sneers at you, too!

Harry: I am extremely suspicious! Although, I do wonder what brand of hair care product you use to maintain your silky golden locks!

Lucius: The Dark Lord is so formulating a plan for your destruction, Potter! On a side note…I use an all natural wizard product by Sleekeasy’s. “They care for my hair.”

Arthur: Don’t worry, Harry! As the muggles say, “The Truth Will Out!”

lepusdomesticus: Um…what do the wizards say?

zibbycomix: “Greed is Good”? (7)

Harry is going to be tried by a conclave of cardinals or possibly the Spanish Inquisition…No, it’s the Wizengamot.

zibbycomix: “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” (8)

lepusdomesticus: I shudder to think who the next pope will be…

Umbridge: Hem hem!

celluloid_redux says: Umbridge is PERFECT!!

Harry is acquitted. Harry is pleased…then shocked. And then we rather abruptly jump to the train station. Padfoot and Harry dash into an empty room, where we see that Sirius is wearing nothing but a furry bathrobe. Harry is breathless and excited as he shuts the door behind them.

celluloid_redux: …

zibbycomix: I’m blind!

lepusdomesticus: “Any minute now, he’ll show us all of his tattoos!” (9)

zibbycomix: You’ve used that quote before.

lepusdomesticus: Sorry, my brain suddenly shut down in response to trauma.

zibbycomix: This is like really bad fanfiction! Seriously, why does Harry look so…excited?

lepusdomesticus: He’s just seen Prick Up Your Ears.

Sirius: What’s life without a little risk?

Harry: Score! I mean, um, absolutely, yes, I completely agree.

Sirius: I have something here for you.

Harry: In your bathrobe? (Waits with bated breath) Oh. It’s a picture.

Sirius: It’s not just any picture, Harry. It’s a picture of dead people!

Harry: “I see dead people.” (10)

And also, apparently, Voldemort in a snazzy suit in the steam at the train station.

lepusdomesticus: What would Freud say? Or Jung, for that matter?

zibbycomix: Seeing visions no one else can see isn’t a good thing, even in the wizarding world. (11)

But soon our intrepid hero is on the train to Hogwarts

Harry: Hey, Hermione! Aren’t you and Ron supposed to be prefects?

Ron: Don’t ask me, mate, I’m just the comic relief!

Hermione: Actually, Harry, certain school officials felt you shouldn’t really be left alone. You know…something about you being a danger to yourself and others.

Draco: Hey Potter! You’re crazy. Huh? Huh?

Harry: Just stay away from me! (Translation: If Ron weren’t so darn manly and muscular and holding me back, I’d run over there right now and show you how I really feel!)

Hermione: See what I mean?

lepusdomesticus: It’s really dark, but everyone is well-lit and Luna is reading.

zibbycomix: “Mars is bright tonight.” (12)

celluloid_redux says: Luna is perfect too!!

Ron is shocked. Cho sees Harry, Harry sees Cho. They are in lurve. And Neville lurves his Mimbulus mimbletonia. And Luna lurves pudding. Oh gosh! TTP! (Three True Pairings!) Meanwhile, Luna sees nargles, Harry sees thestrals, Neville is embarrassed, and Hermione is mortified for calling Luna “Looney.”

zibbycomix: You really skipped over all that quickly.

lepusdomesticus: Not done yet…this movie really jumps around!

Umbridge is pink, Snape is not amused, neither are Gred and Forge, and polite applause follows. Filch is in lurve. And S needs a nap.

Harry: Hermione! Please exposit!

Hermione: Sigh. Umbridge is bad, bad I tell you!

Harry: Oh. Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you to tell me these things!

And our intrepid hero returns to his common room where he knows nobody except Dean and Seamus.

zibbycomix: The Americans in the audience can’t keep up with too many secondary characters.

lepusdomesticus: And Ron is Ron! Huzzah!!

zibbycomix: Not for long. Sigh.

lepusdomesticus: OMG! Look! It’s Fred the armadillo!! (13)

Harry is not appreciative of Ron’s intervention and support.

Ron: Fine. I’ll just leave you with your wand, then, Emo!Hero.

Harry dreams of snakes and dark tunnels…and older men…

zibbycomix: S! Stop that!

lepusdomesticus: I didn’t make the movie!

zibbycomix: Moving on!

Umbridge: Oh Double-you Els, better known as OWLs!

Harry’s classmates: I’m so glad she knows how to spell! (No pun intended)

Umbridge: Here are your textbooks!

Harry: (reading aloud) This is Dick. This is Jane. This is Spot. See Spot be transfigured.

Umbridge: I will teach you to pass your exams, which after all, is the point of school.

lepusdomesticus: Amazingly enough, my own experience reflects this. (Singing) Kodachro-o-ome!!

zibbycomix: And once again, Harry’s teenage rage issues get him detention.

Umbridge is pink. Umbridge’s office is pinker. The cinderblock walls are pink. Her tea set is pink. The sugar is pink!!!!

lepusdomesticus: I’m gonna puke…

Umbridge has a very sharp quill…She waits with gleeful anticipation for Harry’s gasp of pain…

zibbycomix: Stop making it sound dirty!

lepusdomesticus: I swear I’m not! It just is that way! Honestly, there is so much innuendo in these books, I find it hard to believe Jo didn’t do it on purpose.

Umbridge: Yes? Do I hear a gasp of pain?

Harry: Not pain…I just…never realized I enjoyed torture so much…

lepusdomesticus: Seriously, I read this article about how kids who were abused are much more likely than kids who weren’t to seek out masochistic relationships when they get older.

zibbycomix: What kinds of articles are you reading??

lepusdomesticus: Same ones as Harry, apparently.

Umbridge: Deep down you know you deserve to be punished!

Harry: Yes! I do know! If only you were an older dark-haired—or possibly nose-less and bald—man, I would be happy.

zibbycomix: I knew what happened in that graveyard in Book Four would have a permanent negative impact on him.

lepusdomesticus: First he cuts off all his hair—first sign of self-destructive behavior. Next he’ll be getting body-piercings in his…

zibbycomix: Stop right there!

lepusdomesticus: I was going to say nose and eyebrows.

zibbycomix: I don’t believe you.

Meanwhile...“Hermione” does “Ron”’s homework for him…

zibbycomix: Do I sense some sarcasm there, S?

Harry “inadvertently” shows the Dynamic Duo his war wounds. Hermione is shocked.

Emma Watson: …What’s my line again? Sigh. Deep breath. “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and—doggone it!—people like me!” (14)

Hermione: You’ve got to tell Dumbledore, Harry!

Harry: No! Ron, Hermione…

Ron: What’d I do?

Harry: You don’t understand! I…find it oddly…satisfying.

zibbycomix: The really sad thing is that’s straight out of the book.

They're gonna put me in the movies...

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 21:27:31 GMT

Actually, on the radio. And you can hear me live and call in and ask me questions!! Check out this website and follow the instructions at 1:00 p.m. (13:00) Eastern Daylight Time on Tuesday, March 25. It should be a lot of fun!

Also, I'm sorry to say that we are not going to be having our scheduled reductions this week or next week as E has run off with mysterious strangers to tropical locales. We may have a couple of little treats for you, however, so stay tuned!

Thanks for reading (and listening)!! --S

Close, But No Cigar*

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 17:41:54 GMT

E: S, I thought you said this was a love story.

S: It is!! What greater love is there than that between a man and his mustang?

E: …

S: If I may be a little self-indulgent for a moment…

E: Oh dear.

S: I’ve composed a little poem on Hidalgo, in the form of Spenser’s The Fairy Queene…

E: Save me!

S: Ahem!

“…for a horse’s worth’s not the stride he makes

or in how high a seat his rider takes

but stamina—how long he will endure

when his hunger and thirst he never slakes

though he be small in bloodline and stature

and all other ways that men their horses measure. [//]

You see, a good horse runs from day to night

‘til he be wasted to the smallest part,

e’en though his legs be weak, his ribs in sight

because the best horse runs on his great heart…”

E: If I may just interrupt you for a moment…

S: But I still have 126 more lines!!

E: Oh. Well, I…Um…(points over S’s shoulder) “What in the world can that be?!

S: (looks) What? Where? I don’t see anything!” (1)

E: (grabs poem and runs)

S: Hey! Wait! Come back here!

Readers, we come to bury Hidalgo, not to praise him (2). We aren’t going to waste any time discussing the veracity of Frank T. Hopkins’ claims, because by now everyone knows that Frank made it all up.

E: Wait…You mean it isn’t “based on a true story?”

S: No, E, it isn’t. “Based on a tall tale” is more like it. But it’s been additionally fictionalized for dramatic effect.

E: Oh. But it was for a good cause!

S: True. Which is why we’re not going to criticize Mr. Hopkins too severely, but are simply going to sit back and let this horse fantasy unfold. Although, here’s a rather frightening quote from the Executive Director of International Publicity at Disney (which owns Touchstone Pictures who made this film) at the time of the film’s release in 2004: “Hidalgo is a family film. It has little to do with reality.” Sort of explains why we do this, doesn’t it?

E: Yeah.

S: And, OK, I have to admit, I officially love this movie, just because it allowed me to quote my favorite English-language foreign pacifist movie.

E: Does this imply that you have a second-favorite English-language, foreign pacifist movie?

S: Of course.

E: But there’s graphic horse abuse!

S: Oh…yeah. I know. I don’t like that part. By the way, was there something wrong with my DVD? There were no subtitles on any of the foreign language bits. Not that it matters, as we just filled in our own dialogue…

Our recipe today is the kind that will prop up any weary cowpoke after a long, hard day on the trail. It is not suitable for a horse, though.

E: Aww. Too bad. Someone should think of the poor horses!

S: True. Give him some nice oats and a big field of grass and plenty of water and he’ll be OK. Horses don’t need much to make them happy. Nor cowboys for that matter.

S’s Best Burgers:

1 lb. ground bison, for the millions that used to roam the plains and woods of this great continent and fed all the people who lived there, but are now mostly owned by Ted Turner.

good sprinkle of seasoned salt, for all the blood and sweat and tears that fell in the struggle to subjugate what was not actually wilderness, now we come to think on it.

E: I sense political commentary in this reduction…

¼ c. diced green onions, for the fertile plains…

E: …below the majestic purple mountains. Yeah, yeah, we get it!

S: I dislike your hostility, E. I’m trying to set the mood.

E: I want to think about happy horses or something instead.

S: Hey! I didn’t have the darn movie start with Wounded Knee…

dash Worchester sauce, for all the international flavors that finally melded together to create the strange land we now call America…

E: Oh, shut up already! I just want to eat!

S: How can you eat without thinking of all those people whose sacrifices made this meal possible? There are children starving in Africa, you know.

E: Oh for…I’m starving!

S: Actually, the Sioux at Wounded Knee Creek in 1890 were starving…

E: I’m not worried. I know you’ll bring this up again in a minute…

S: Of course. That’s what I’m here for.

E: To make me feel guilty so I will lose my appetite?

S: I’ll eat your Spud Puppies. (TM’d by Cascadian Farm)

onion buns

mustard/ketchup/sweet pickle relish/mango chutney, etc. to taste

lettuce/tomatoes/pickles, etc.

coleslaw/salad, etc.

Spud Puppies (an essential component, though Potato Salad is nice in the summer)

1. Mix the first four ingredients together in a bowl. Form into four patties and grill or cook in a frying pan until burgers reach the desired doneness. Serve with the other ingredients listed, as desired.

So, the race is done and it’s time to assess the bets. Will this film walk into the winner’s circle, or be put out to pasture?

1. Title: 3 points. It’s mostly about a horse named Hidalgo, though only a small part of his life, and Frank is the center of the story. Yeah, since it was all fictional anyway, we wanted a moving story about a man taming a scrappy mustang and then having the heroic horse do the impossible in an uplifting story of interspecies friendship.

E: We already saw that movie, S. It was called Spirit.

2. Story: 15 points. It was a bit muddled, actually. Although, overall, it was a fun ride, it offered too many underdeveloped glimpses into the cowboy’s psychology as well as a not-quite-there love story and a really not-quite-there set of villain-like characters.

3. Characters: 8 points. We got some hints at backstory, but not in a way that helped us understand their motivations. A couple of highly liberated women and one emo cowboy epitomize this anachronistic movie epic extravaganza. Extra point for Viggo’s skillful hinting at depth in his underwritten Frank Hopkins, who in real life could flesh out even the most improbable of dime store novel cardboard cutouts enough to convince seasoned reporters that he was the real Old West.

4. Research: 6 points. We wouldn’t have minded the inaccuracies as much if the movie didn’t tell us: “the story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.” (3)

5. Cast: 8 points. We love them all, really. Especially the ponies. And the Viggo.

6. Crew: 7 points. We disagree with a couple of small stylistic choices, but overall it was a slick movie and some shots were quite beautiful.

7. Writing:10 points. The dialogue was so predictably cliché, we were quoting lines before they said them. And internal logic? What internal logic? The movie seemed to be about a man hell-bent on killing his horse.

8. Music: 3 points. Suitably epic, a little familiar, not spectacular.

9. Genre: 3 points. Viggo cries, Viggo sings, Viggo has great timing. Oh yeah, it’s all about the Viggo. Wait? This was a horse movie? Too slow for an adventure, too improbable for a character study, and too much about the cowboy and not enough about the horse. It is titled Hidalgo after all, and it’s not about the state in Mexico.

10. Editing: 1 point.

11. Effects: 3 points. The computer effects (except for the leopards) were great. We could sometimes tell where the paint was on TJ’s stunt doubles.

12. And? 3 points. We wanted a fun popcorn movie with horses and that’s pretty much what we got. A bit violent, though.

Total: 70 points. That’s just one point shy of Really Good. We really liked it. We still have a lot to make fun of, but that’s why we’re here. ; )

Quote Key: (I can’t believe how much we quoted this time!)

1) The Princess Bride

2) Julius Caesar (Shakespeare)

3) Dragnet

4) Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead

5) Star Wars

6) Annie Get Your Gun

7) Spider Man

8) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

9) The Black Stallion

10) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

11) Lawrence of Arabia

12) Aladdin (Disney)

13) The Graduate

14) Impromptu

15) The Little Mermaid (Disney)

16) Star Wars

17) Romancing the Stone

18) The Princess Bride

19 and 20) Star Wars

21) The Wizard of Oz

22) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

23) Much Ado About Nothing

24) A Passage to India

25) Lawrence of Arabia

26) Star Wars

27) The Jewel of the Nile

28) Breakfast on Pluto

29) Star Wars

30) The Princess Bride

31) Knute Rockne All American

32) Lawrence of Arabia

33) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

34) Shane

35) Star Wars

36) Sprit: Stallion of the Cimarron

*S saw Hall-of-Famer Cigar’s record-breaking win in the Breeders’ Cup as a five-year-old and thought he was just the most thrilling thing on four legs (plus he was born the day before S’s birthday). He then went on to win almost $10 million, making him the “richest” thoroughbred of all time. Foaled at the oldest thoroughbred farm in Maryland, with legendary racehorses Seattle Slew and The Minstrel (son of Northern Dancer) as grandsires, he also seemed to prove that bloodlines do matter. He was a legend among horse lovers for a moment, with awards and photo spreads and a Breyer model made of him. He even went to “Arabia” (Dubai) where he won a race and a $5 million purse as part of a streak that tied Citation’s record of 16 wins in a row. Not that it makes any difference, as Cigar was never able to sire any offspring. Hmm…maybe he’s more similar to Hidalgo than we thought…

**We use the term Indian throughout this reduction for simplicity. Discussion of why is beyond the scope of this note.

*Katib dies*

E: And he gets skewered twice, while Frank was uninjured and Hidalgo just had a flesh wound…

S: Ignore it. Just look at the Viggo. It’s all about the Viggo…

Sakr’s falcon: (cries)

Jinni and leopards: (have gone back to the Gladiator set)

Frank: (cauterizes Hidalgo’s wound)

S: That’s some well-trained horse, man!

*And they’re on the baking pan…*

E: Lady Anne’s jockey is gone, man.

S: Now, the Prince knows how to use his knife! See, he’s not sticking it in his ear like some people, but is looking at its shadow to figure out the direction he’s going in.

Hidalgo: (collapses and blood comes out his nose)

E: Oh the humanity!

S: Call the track vet!!

Frank: Come on ‘Dalgo! Come on, boy! “Win just one for the Gipper!” (31)

Frank’s ancestors: Don’t shoot him!

E: Um…OK.

S: They’ve come to give Hidalgo the screenplay so he knows he’s supposed to win.

*Viggo’s gonna sing! In Sioux!*

S: Translation: Hush little horsie, don’t you die!

Hidalgo: Sheesh! I’ll get up if you stop that racket! Can’t a horse get any rest around here?

Frank: Mama!

Prince: Hey! Hidalgo! Yo’ cowboy so dumb, he entered this race!

Hidalgo: (jumps up) So did you, dumbass! Nobody insults my cowboy!

S: And suddenly everybody has the energy to run…to the sea…

E: So, I guess they’re not in Damascus, then.

Boy: Cowboy!! Cowboy off the port bow!

S: And they’re hitting their exhausted horses.

E: And now the whole crowd is cheering for the Infidel Cowboy.

S: Well, everybody loves an underdog.

*It’s gonna go slo-mo again…we can sense it!*

E and S: Yep.

S: And Alec spreads his arms as he and The Black cross the finish line…sorry, wrong movie.

*They run right into the surf*

E: Lot of good that’ll do a thirsty horse!

S: Where are the flower garlands?

E: That’s Lawrence of Arabia.

S: Oh. Darn. And, he’s not gonna part the Red Sea?

E: What?

S: “Moses did!” (32)

E: Just because there’s a desert and a pillar of fire and a plague of locusts does not mean this is The Ten Commandments!

*And Yusef loves the slave boy all of a sudden*

E: It’s a happy ending.

S: Oh. I couldn’t tell.

Frank and the Prince: (have mutual admiration and respect)

Frank: (cleans up real nice)

Sheikh: (sticks his gun in his pants)

E and S: “Don’t put your wand there!” (33)

S: And the sheikh admits he was a bigot…or something.

Jazira: (stands picturesquely by the sea) So, this is where the cowboy rides away?

E and S: “Come back, Shane! Come back!” (34)

Frank: We won’t forget you.

S: “We” being Frank and his…horse?

E: And Jazira calls him Blue Child. How did she know that was his name?

S: They must have cut it out of that tent scene…

Frank: “You think a princess and a guy like me…?

E and S: No!” (35)

Frank: (walks away)

*Back in America, Frank arrives just in time to save the mustangs*

Frank: (to Indians in wagon) Hey! Did you see the game last night?

Guy: Yeah, what a rip-off!

Frank: I know.

Guy: It sucked, man. They need a new manager, but they’ll never make the play-offs this year. (shrugs) Maybe next year.

Frank: Yep. Next year. (pause) Well, I’ve got some ‘stangs to set free. See ya later.

*Mustangs go free*

S: Freeeeee Willy!!!!

E: Aww…glorious running mustangs. I know you’re enjoying this, S.

S: (crying tears of happiness)

Mustangs: “Like the wind in the buffalo grass, we belong here!” (36)

Frank: (to Hidalgo) You too.

Hidalgo: What? You’re letting me go? Huzzah! Nice knowin’ you! (runs away) Nutso! Trying to get me killed all the time!!

End Credits: (suggest it was all real and the end shots were in Oklahoma)

S: OK, that was not OK, if you get my drift. It looked like Montana. Rex Peterson (the head wrangler, of Black Beauty and The Horse Whisperer fame) said “We had 574 horses running in Montana.” I’d say it was Montana. He also says Viggo did most of his own stunts.

E: And bought main horse TJ at the end.

S: Yeah. What a lucky guy…

E; You mean Viggo, right?

S: Of course.

Join us next week for another improbable adventure with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!

The Sport of Kings! Or Cowboys...

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 17:37:37 GMT

*Sandstorm!*

Frank: Look, Hidalgo! “A pillar of fire!

Hidalgo: No. Sand.” (11)

E: This reminds me of The Mummy.

S: That Hidalgo is painted…

E: And the only shelter is that ruin…

S: The sound of the sand is appropriately horrible, though.

E: Don’t look now, S! Another horse has died. By the way, how would anyone know if people followed the rules? They only have each rider's word for it.

*People cheer as the celebrity horse arrives*

S: It does seem odd that they would race the stallion so much every year. How does he have the energy to mate?

E: And, as if it weren't enough for Lady Anne to be wearing sunglasses, now she has orange sunglasses!

S: She’s been watching Dracula (’92)…And Hidalgo has the hots for Lady Anne’s horse.

*The Sheikh reads Dime Store Novels*

S: I guess that explains their good English…

E: The sheik's nephew looks like Jafar! (12) He acts like Jafar, too.

S: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. Can’t you tell?

Sheikh: What are you doing here, horseless nephew?

Katib (We checked IMDB): I’ve come to plot against you because I am The Main Villain!

Sheikh: Great. Coffee?

Katib: Don’t mind if I do. By the way, you’re old and feeble, Uncle!

Sheikh: Yeah, well, you’re gay. Just look at your ridiculous goatee!

Katib: Well, thanks for the visit. I won’t be seeing you again because I will be killed before the denouement.

Sheikh: Of course. Would you like the card of my agent?

Katib: Maybe later. First I have to kidnap the girl, wound the horse, and fail to kill the hero.

*Miss Robinson is trying to seduce Viggo…isn’t she? (13)*

Frank: Jazira! “This is highly improper! And frightening as well.” (14)

Jazira: Want a date?

Frank: WTF?

Jazira: They’re for the horse, you ego maniac!

E: How does she know that a Westerner would react badly to a Plague of Locusts?

Jazira: How did you tame him?

Frank: I didn’t.

S: Riiiight. Clearly, Hidalgo is still wild…

Jazira: Verily, you do not know our world.

E: Who writes lines like this? And she likes his spurs…

Jazira: We are both Horse Cultures!

S: Somebody take away that girl’s anthropology textbook!

E: And Frank is the Chief’s daughter, notice. Why does no one ever pretend to be the son of the ugliest girl in the village, or the poorest?

*Frank and Jazira are caught in a compromising position.*

Jazira: Daddy, no! We didn’t do anything!

Sheikh: How could you? He’s an infidel!

Jazira: Nothing happened!

Sheikh: If this is the only way for me to get through to you, then so be it! (15) (To Frank) You will be removed of your infidel self!

Frank: Removed of my what?!

S: Actually, the Bedouin did not castrate their horses. Mares were so precious they could not be sold at any price, but lesser stallions were routinely killed or sold. Stallions were basically only used for breeding, whereas mares were the warhorses.

Frank: (is shocked!)

Camel Skinner: (is drooling with excitement.)

E: So, Frank doesn't speak up when he hears that Jazira may be stoned, but he starts yelling when he thinks his manhood is at stake? Why am I not surprised?

S: But look at Viggo! Does he have great comic timing or what?

Frank: You wouldn’t dare kill a pal of Wild Bill Hickok!

E: Ah, saved by pulp fiction.

S: Incidentally, Wild Bill’s real name was James Butler Hickok. People called him “Duck Bill” until he became a gunslinger. He was shot in 1876 in a poker game while holding aces and eights (The Dead Man’s Hand). No one knows for sure what the fifth card was.

Sheikh: You knew Wild Bill?? What about Wyatt Earp?

Camel Skinner: (is bummed.)

*Raiders spoil the male bonding session*

E: Man, that sheikh may be old, but he sure can handle a sword!

Lady Anne: (is not amused.)

Jazira: (uses the old frying pan trick.)

Aziz: (steals the studbook.)

Raiders: (steal Jazira.)

Prince: (runs off to safety with Al-Hattal.)

Viggo: (gets his Aragorn on.)

E: Wow! That was an action packed sequence!

*And Frank introduces some good ol’ Frontier Justice*

S: Except he calls it “Western justice” here.

E: So much for being noble! Using torture to get information out of people! And finally the title character shows up. Where was he, anyway?

S: He was probably in a compromising position with Lady Anne’s horse…

E: Why does he want to rescue Jazira, again?

S: “She's rich.
E: Rich?
S: Rich, powerful. Listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be...
E: What?
S: Well, more wealth than you can imagine!
E: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.” (16)

*Katib has pet leopards and enjoys reading about the studs…*

Jazira: “You’re a mondo dismo!” (17) A real man wouldn’t need to steal a studbook to feel good about himself!

Katib: Shut up! I’m trying to read!

Jazira: You can’t tell me what to do! I’m an anachronistically liberated woman!

Katib: Sigh. OK, I’ll play along. “So you think your dearest love will save you?

Jazira: I never said he was my dearest love! And yes, he will save me.” (18)

Katib: You just watch yourself…I am The Main Villain!

Jazira: “I’ll be careful.

Katib: You’ll be dead!” (19)

*The Fellowship Goes to the Dark Tower…I mean, erm…*

E: So…Frank’s in disguise, kind of, but doesn’t Hidalgo sort of stand out?

Aziz: “Mos Eisley Space Port. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” (20)

Frank: You would know, Fatty.

Aziz: What did you call me?

Frank: I called you Fatty, Fatty-Fat-Fat.

Aziz: (cries) Well, you can just go you-know-where! “And your little dog, too!” (21)

Frank: He’s a big dog, you dumb jerk!

Jaffa: Nobody hurts my princess!

S: Ooh the black dude’s gonna get it.

E: How do you know?

S: Because in any movie with a white hero, the token black guy gets one heroic moment or one witty one-liner and then he’s doomed! Doomed I tell ya!

*Meanwhile Frank hasn’t learned why the advantage to having a gun is distance*

Katib: You! Go get the book! I mean, princess. I mean, wait, I’m confused…what are we doing in this scene again? What’s my motivation?

Director: OK, we’ll go over this one more time. See, you are the nephew of the sheikh.

Katib: With you so far…

Director: You want the sheikh’s horse.

Katib: Wouldn’t I just inherit it when my uncle dies?

Director: No, the prince gets him.

Katib: And who’s the prince? If he’s a nearer relative to the sheikh than I am, doesn’t that make him my brother, or cousin, or something?

Director: Um…I…no…It doesn’t matter. Besides, Lady Anne has hired you to fix the race for her and maybe steal Al-Hattal, too. And kill Hidalgo.

Katib: Now, see? You lost me again. Why do I care about Lady Anne? What’s her motivation?

Director: That’s not really your concern, is it? Just do the scene, will you?

Katib: (To himself) It’s a paycheck. It’s just a paycheck.

E: Um, why didn't they paint the horse black all over to make the charade last longer?

S: They totally had a black horse in the first scene and then switched to the painted horse. You can tell because the paint makes his mane look all dirty.

*Action sequence ensues, complete with sword fighting, ineffective rooftop snipers, and Frank’s unlimited supply of bullets*

Frank: (whistles) Translation: Hidalgooooo!!!!

*And Katib’s leopards are hungry*

S: Total Jurassic Park moment there.

E: And Jazira goes back for the book…

S: Of course.

E: “But Marcus has the map.

S: Without the diary, the map is useless!

E: Well, can’t you remember what was in it?

S: I wrote it down so I wouldn’t have to remember!” (22)

Aziz: (steals gun to kill Jazira) Wait! Hold on! Um…why do I want to kill Jazira, again?

Director: Sheesh! What’s gotten into everyone today?? You are a bad guy! The bad guy tries to kill the princess! It’s like a rule!

Aziz: Oh. Right. (He and Jaffa kill each other.)

Jazira: (cries) My loyal giant body-builder slave!

S: I feel her pain. The ancient Roman in me is totally heartbroken. What a waste.

*And the son of the sheikh or nephew or whatever prepares to kill Frank*

Frank: (jumps onto Hidalgo’s back behind Jazira)

Hidalgo: Ouch!

Jazira: All right!

S: And Frank apparently learned to shoot from Annie Oakley.

*Tonto listens for the oncoming cavalry or whatever*

Frank: That’s funny. All I feel is a knife handle in my ear. I hope this looks impressive…

Jazira: Why do I feel that you truly see me when other people don’t?

E: Um…you never have your veil on when he’s around?

Frank: Even a blind man could see that you’re beautiful.

Hidalgo: (is shocked!)

Viggo: Everybody’s a critic!

E: They sure are taking a long time…Won’t that be suspicious?

Frank: (In Sioux to Hidalgo) OK, ‘Dalgo, you guard the tent. That princess is in desperate need of some attention! (To Jazira) Did those Dime Store Novels you read ever mention the Goodnight-Loving Trail? No? Well, then, honey, let me tell you all about it!

Jazira: Did your mother teach you this wisdom?

S: Aw, man! Mentioning his mother! Way to kill the mood!

*Back at camp*

E: That was a sudden transition. And they’re all dirty all of a sudden.

*Lady Anne wants a word…and all*

S: Whoa! Suddenly, she’s in a dressing gown, in her bedroom, lighting the lamps and pouring drinks. Is there any way not to construe that they’ve just had sex?

E: And he’s admiring her horse’s legs…um hmm…

Frank: I’m not sure what you’re getting’ at ma’am.

E and S: She wants to have your babies!!

Lady Anne: Are you willing to kill your horse for money?

E and S: That’s what we’ve been wondering…

Lady Anne: I’ll do anything for my horse, Frank. Anything at all.

Frank: Score!

Director: No, no, this is a Disney movie!

Frank: [censored]

E: Frank prefers the company of his horse…

Jazira: Camel’s milk will prevent liver failure!

S: OK, somebody take away her veterinary textbook as well…

Jazira: (is jealous) You will prove them right! (storms off)

Hidalgo: (rolls eyes) Bad move, Bro!

Frank: You done me proud, pardner.

Hidalgo: Can’t say the same for you, you pansy!

Frank: (drinks)

Sheikh: “Against my will, I am sent to bid you…” (23) no wait. Um, thanks.

*Hidalgo is gonna win this race with Frank or without him!*

*Lady Anne Plots With The Nephew of the Sheikh*

S: “Before we begin, I'd like to state what I believe to be a universal truth: the darker races are attracted to the fairer, but not vice-versa.
E: Even when the lady is less attractive than the gentleman?” (24)

Katib: I will get my riyals…and perhaps much more.

S: Why is he not threatening?

E: What more does he want? He gets the stud book and the horse…Maybe he wants Viggo, too.

*Frank is not dead yet*

Prince: (is shocked!)

*The Plague!!!...of locusts*

E: Ugh. That is the scariest thing ever!

Frank: (eats locusts)

Hidalgo: That is not kosher!

E: I take it back. Eating locusts is worse!

*Sakr finds the health spa en route*

His horse: (abandons him)

S: Yep, that’s horses for you. Something spooks them, they dump you and gallop off, then return later to see if you’re still alive.

E: Um…is that mud steaming? Shouldn’t he be dead?

Sakr: Don’t mind me! I’m just enjoying a nice mud bath! It’s great for sore muscles!

S: Wait…his horse is named Ginny? I mean Jinni? I thought this must be “Kusma the blue mare owned by Al-Amir of Syria”?

E: It’s a nickname.

S: Oh, look! His loyal falcon has come back to watch him die…hungrily.

*Frank pontificates on Free Will*

Sakr: It is written!

E and S: “Nothing is written! Unless I write it!” (25)

Jinni: (Comes back) Oh! You’re not dead! Can we go home now?

*Frank hits the trail again literally*

S: Hmm…the three leaders are pretty close together now…

*“The Kurd” (I swear! He has no name) signals the bad guys*

E: Um…flaming arrows?

S: OK, they can’t possibly outrun fresh horses!! …yeah, and nice dun horse there…

E and S: OMG! Tiger trap! In the desert!

Katib: Ha! “I got him! I got him!

E: Great, kid. Don’t get cocky.” (26)

Katib: Don’t shoot them! I want to watch them suffer! (To Frank) Now you and Hidalgo will be together forever! But first, “one of you will have to watch while the other dies!

Frank: What kind of sick, twisted person could even think of such a thing!” (27)

Writer: Um, hello! I’m standing right here!

Frank: Oh. Sorry. Um…(to Katib) Why don’t you just shoot me?

Katib: Because, unlike you, I don’t have an unlimited supply of bullets, you Nancy!

Hidalgo: “What have you got against Nancy boys, you can’t spare a bullet between yas?” (28) “No reward is worth this!!” (29)

*~~Mighty Mouse~~ Sakr and Jinni are here to save the day!*

S: Oh God! He’s cutting the spear out of Hidalgo’s shoulder…I can’t watch!

E: Wouldn’t Hidalgo be permanently crippled?

S: Well, I think it just went through the skin. Horses’ skin is quite loose there, actually.

Raider: Um…excuse me, Main Villain Dude?

Katib: What is it? Can’t you see I’m plotting world domination?

Raider: The mustang and Frank are gonna live.

Katib: Inconceivable! Release the CGI leopards!!

E and S: …WTF?

S: He keeps them with him in the wagon all the time, just in case?

E: In the quite likely event that The Main Villain’s scheme has failed to kill the hero, CGI leopards will automatically deploy.

S: And they immediately run back to kill Hidalgo and only Hidalgo…

E and S: Riiiight…

*Viggo is quite the javelin thrower*

S: And the falcon has a saving-people-thing…But Sakr bites the sand at last.

E: Man, all these people dying for Harry…I mean Frank.

Katib: Yo’ pony so ugly, I…I can’t think of anything, actually.

*Frank throws knife*

Katib: Ha! Your pathetic knife-throwing will not work against me because I am The Main Villain!! (Dun dun duuun!)

S: But he’s standing on quicksand…

E: …Nope, it’s another tiger trap. Did the bad guys dig these in the last half-hour, or were they always there? And if it’s the latter, how could they be sure Hidalgo would fall in one, but Al-Hattal wouldn’t?

S: Don’t try to make sense of it. It just ruins the experience.

Katib: “Throw me the rope!”

Frank: “I could do that, but I do not think you will accept my help, as I’m only waiting around to kill you.” (30)

Katib: My whole career flashed before my eyes! Next time I’ve got to play a good guy!

That's Cowboy Logic!

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 17:35:33 GMT

*Title flickers across screen as though in a sandstorm and we hear the howling desert wind*

S: Total Black Stallion flashback there…

E: No, it’s the wind across a frozen lake.

S: Oh. That’s OK, then. (rolls eyes)

Frank: Come on Little Brother! Check-out time.

Hidalgo: Whoopee!

S: And now we know what kind of jokes we can expect in this movie. And what’s with “let ‘er buck”? Was Hopkins a rodeo rider or something before this?

E: And the opposition named his horse Senator.

S: He idolizes Caligula…Wasn’t this race supposed to end in Vermont?

E: They needed it to end in South Dakota so they could segue into some good ol’ Half-Breed Angst.

*In the Saloon*

E: Please note that Frank spends the entire movie surrounded by women and never does anything about it.

S: And now we’re getting our first in a long line of Yo’ Pony jokes…

Rider: Yo’ Pony so ugly, he looks like fertilizer! Har har! Geddit? Fertilizer…?

S: He looks like ammonium nitrate?

E: Hee hee. That might also make him dynamite!

S: Ammonium sulfate, then.

Frank: Nobody insults my horse!

*Frank sucker punches him*

E: Cheater!!

S: He learned that fighting orcs in Middle Earth. I guess that guy doesn’t have any “Cowboy Logic”: “If it’s a load, truck it; if it’s a punch, duck it!”

E: Go on.

S: “If it’s a horse, ride it; if it hurts, hide it…if she’s a lady, then treat her like a queen.”

E: I have a feeling this will be relevant later…And, just in case anyone was unclear, Frank kicks ass.

S: And the coin was tails. I really expected it to be heads. (4)

Frank: “Sorry about the mess.” (5)

*Wounded Knee Massacre*

Voice-over: This is for the Americans in the audience…

S: I would protest this, except I just read an article that said half of American teenagers don’t know when Columbus sailed to the New World, when the Declaration of Independence was signed, or the names of the first five presidents of the United States…

*Woman accosts Frank*

E: Who is this woman?

Woman: (translation) Blue Child! Where have you been? Always running around on that silly horse! You know Running Elk Woman’s son just got married! When are you going to settle down, eh? Every mother deserves grandchildren!

E: So, that makes her his mother then.

S: Well, given that he just rolls his eyes at her and rides away…

Soldier: Them injuns is gonna have a uprisin’! I just knows it!

Frank: No, it’s just a ghost dance.

S: He says it like it’s some ancient ritual, but Ghost Dancing was a millenarianist religious movement started in 1889 by Wovoka (Jack Wilson), a Northern Paiute holy man. He said that the end of the world would come in 1891 after which all the dead bison and Indians** would come back to life in a green and lush paradise. Black Elk said in his autobiography (as told to John G. Neihardt) “I thought maybe it was only the despair that made people believe, just as a man who is starving may dream of plenty of everything good to eat.”

And indeed, the U.S. Government was systematically starving the “lazy Indians” on the reservations. Quoting Black Elk again: “We could not eat lies.” Under such circumstances, it is no wonder the movement was so popular and that the U.S. Government felt threatened by it. It also hardly seems coincidental that it was the Seventh Cavalry (of Little Bighorn fame) who were ordered to disarm these particular Lakota. 500 troops with artillery came to “subdue” the 350 Minneconjou, two-thirds of whom were women and children. Chief Big Foot himself was near death with pneumonia.

*Hidalgo has a saving-people-thing*

E: And then Frank hits him with the reins…

S: Ooh look! There’s a symbol which will reappear later!

E: And the washed-out film and speeded-up running to slo-mo effects are weird.

*Frank cries*

*Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show*

Bill: (Shouting into megaphone) I’ve got heaping plates of dramatic irony for sale! Get ‘em while they're hot! Get ‘em while they’re ironic!

*Crowd throws fruit at Chief Eagle Horn…whatever that name means*

E: This is horrible.

S: “There’s no business like show business, like no business I know!” (6)

Bill: On that day that Col. Cody was too late.

E and S: I love Buffalo Bill.

*Frank interprets for Eagle Horn*

Frank: Perhaps his people have lost their lands, but not their…

S: Horses?

Frank: …Spirit.

E: So close. Meanwhile, Frank is a total liar.

S: Well, he’s lost his dignity and all, too.

*Hidalgo does not want to be a clown anymore!*

Frank: Jackass!

E: So, he can insult his horse, but no one else can?

S: This scene is actually funny. Hidalgo is so much smarter than Frank…

*A Visit From a Representative of a Very Important Person*

E: Who is this dude with the monocle? And Buffalo Bill’s mustache and beard are fake.

Emissary: The Sheikh of Sheikhs is above investing.

E: Obviously they don’t study economics over in Arabia.

S: So…is The Sheikh of Sheikhs like The King of Kings?

E: How would a random sheikh learn what Buffalo Bill had bragged about? It's not like they had airplanes, telephones, or e-mail back then.

S: Maybe that’s why he’s The Sheikh of Sheikhs. He has super powers.

E: I guess that explains why he’s annoying the editor of the Daily Bugle…(7)

Emissary: Al-Hattal is the greatest living champion of all time!

S: Wait…This implies that 100 years ago there was a horse who was the Greatest Living Champion, but Al-Hattal is a greater Greatest Living Champion…making him the Greatest Champion of all time.

Emissary: Perhaps you have not heard of this race?

Frank: Nope and no one else has either, because I just made it up.

S: Wait. This race is held annually?? Isn’t that a bit extreme? Shouldn’t it be the Olympics of endurance racing or something? I mean, if you have 15 or 20 people dying in it every single year…not to mention the horses…that gives you…

E: S, hold the math, please! I’m trying to enjoy this movie. Meanwhile…Iraq??

S: They’re just clarifying it for the modern audience. After all, in a race that goes along the Persian Gulf from Aden to Damascus, there are so many possible routes…

E: Nice sarcasm there.

Emissary: 3,000 miles from Aden!

S: Um…3,000 miles from Aden will practically get you to Finland, as the crow flies.

E: Hold the geography, too, please.

Aziz: The winner’s purse makes him very honored…very, how do we say?

E and S: Flush? Loaded? Filthy rich? Comfortable? Moves him to another tax bracket?

Aziz: Yo’ Pony so impure, he got spots!

Frank: Impure? He’s pure mustang! Tell your sheikh to pound sand.

S: That’s a new one!

Aziz: Nobody insults my sheikh (except me, later)! A very wise choice.

Buffalo Bill: Ha! Frank, he just called you all hat and no cowboy!

E: Frankly, I would rather be wise and alive and called a chicken than so brave I got myself killed over something stupid.

*And a flashback…no, dream…to explain Frank’s angst, then he visits his Sensei*

Frank: Oh Chief Eagle Horn. I need some…advice. Can we have…a talk?

Eagle Horn: It’s not so complicated, Frank. You see, a woman is like a flowering tree in a garden. She needs water and sunlight to bear fruit…

Frank: No, no! Not that talk! Should I race my horse in this thing?

Eagle Horn: The horse is not getting any younger, and you are not getting any more sober.

Frank: So that’s a no, then?

Eagle Horn: Only you can make this decision, my son. “But choose carefully, for while the true grail gives life, the false grail takes it away.” (8)

Frank: Thanks Chief. You’ve been a real help.

Eagle Horn: I’m the wise mentor figure. It’s what I’m here for.

*Annie Oakley saves the day…or collects the entry fee anyway*

Phoebe Anne: Here’s the money so you can race.

Frank: Thanks, Phoebe Anne! You all must really want Hidalgo and me to win!

Phoebe Anne: No, we want to get rid of you before you embarrass us all any more…I mean, yes Frank. Yes, we do. We love Hidalgo…and you, too.

*City of Paris leaves New York*

S: (singing) Good Mornin’ America, how are ya?…I’m the ship they call the City of Paris… (stops singing) It just doesn’t have the right number of syllables, does it?

E: Why do movies always insist on supposedly scenic, but actually fake, shots of the Statue of Liberty? Actually, don’t answer that.

*And our hero hears the whinnying of the untamed stallion over the pounding of the ship’s engines. He goes to investigate and sees Shetan, fighting against his cruel Arab captors…(9) Oh wait, wrong movie.*

E: Dude, not cool to poke the horse with pitchforks! Why would anyone do that?

S: Um…It’s in the script? I’m not sure of the point of most of this movie actually. We’re just supposed to be sympathetic toward these underdogs or something.

*Frank meets the requisite evil seductress*

S: So, I guess Davenport is to remind us of Homer Davenport, the American cartoonist who imported 27 Arabian horses in 1906. And Lady Anne is supposed to make us think of Lady Anne Blunt, who founded Crabbet Park. OK, I’ll give them that.

Mr. Lady Anne: Ice is a precious commodity.

E: They should borrow some from the Titanic. Ba-dum-chh!

S: Ouch. (in another twenty years)

Lady Anne: …and rounding out the opposition is Kusma who’s oh-for-four so far this year. She’s in a bit of a rut, but she’s still a force to be reckoned with. And Al-Hattal was sidelined last year with injuries, but seems to be back on top form. Of course, there’s my horse Camria, but you’ll never see her, because she’s just a MacGuffin so I can be here and tell you this backstory and provide some innuendo because this film is rated PG-13.

S: I am wondering why Lady Anne was on a boat from New York…unless they switched boats…without telling us??

Lady Anne: Have you ever killed any Red Indians, Frank?

Frank: Just one, but you don’t get to hear about it, because from now on this movie is about racing, yeehaw!

Lady Anne: So, your horse is a mesteño, meaning untamed…

S: Well, actually…Firstly, it comes from mixta meaning…Oh, forget it.

Lady Anne: How about you, Frank? Are you untamed (wink wink)?

E: Gee, Lady Anne has the hots for Viggo…I mean Frank.

S: Yathink?

*In Aden*

Aziz: The Major has decided to stay behind and guard the ice chamber.

S: That’s a new one!

E: But very convenient for Lady Anne…

Frank: That poor woman! Left defenseless amongst the hostile natives with only me, the sole face of civilization…All right!

S: Nice plug about slavery there, too. Real subtle.

E: It’s “atmosphere.”

Lady Anne: Look at the artistic shot of Al-Hattal rearing! Isn’t he gorgeous?

Hidalgo: (rolls eyes) show off!

Aziz: So, Mr. Frank. You’ve got a horse of a different color.

S: The Bedouin recognized four colors of Arabian horse: black, grey, bay, and chestnut. Hidalgo here is a chestnut sabero (combination of sabino and overo). Aside from the white, he’s not an unusual color at all, and some Arabians are sabino, though it appears to be a different gene than the one that causes sabino in American Paint Horses (which the equine actors playing Hidalgo are). Incidentally, in the March/April 2004 issue of Just About Horses magazine…

E: Just About Horses?

S: I get it for the articles, I swear!! Anyway, it says “Although the real-life Hidalgo was a scrappy 8-year-old buckskin [tobiano] pinto…”

E: I thought he didn’t exist?

S: Yeah, that’s what I call bad reporting. But I don’t mind because the main horse, TJ, is quite pretty, even though he doesn’t look like a Spanish mustang or an endurance horse.

E: What about the other horses?

S: Of the named horses, Al-Hattal is the only one I know is an Arabian, the 14-year-old black stallion TC Bey Cedar (by Bey Shah). I’d buy that the grey horse playing Jinni is an Arabian, though not a super pretty one, and maybe the bay playing Camria is too, though I couldn’t find their names. Incidentally, bay is the most common color of Arabian horses, followed by grey. Black is rarest.

*In the Sheikh’s tent*

Sheikh: Quick! Open the shades! I wanna see a real cowboy!

Jazira: Me too! Ooh yeah, I wanna ride that!

Sheikh: What?

Jazira: The horse, a horse…horses. I want to ride horses, Daddy! Why won’t you let me?

Sheikh: I do.

Jazira: I mean in public!

Sheikh: Duh, you’re a girl. Shut up.

Jazira: That was for the Americans in the audience. You don’t have to be mean about it.

Sheikh: Oh, sorry.

E: I'm getting Young Black Stallion vibes here.

*Hidalgo settles in*

Aziz: Hey, Frank! Yo’ Pony so ugly, if he got a mare pregnant, we’d have to kill him and the foal!

S: Well, actually, the Bedouin believed that the, erm, seed of an “impure” stallion would taint all of the mare’s subsequent foals, making her useless as a broodmare and probably causing them to kill her, too. And don’t get me started on the women…

E: Right. We are just really not going to go there!

Hidalgo: (Is shocked!)

Frank: Keep your pride tucked.

E: That’s one I haven’t heard!

S: Yeah…You try preventing a stallion from talking to the mares…

E: And everybody speaks English…including Hidalgo.

*And in a very predictable sequence, Frank gets a servant*

S: Let’s skip the cliché lines here…

Yusef (Frank’s new pal): 40 men died last year!

E: That's a great inspirational speech that Frank's "assistant" is giving him there.

S: OK, 40 men die each year, or 800 every generation. So, in order to sustain the population…
E: Give it up, S!

*Frank visits the Sheikh*

Frank: Let’s shake hands, Sheikh!

Sheikh: Yuck! Has this man ever bathed?

Aziz: If his excellence were to touch an infidel, he would lose his ability to foretell the future.

E and S: That’s convenient!

*Al-Hattal sleeps with the Sheikh’s wives, ‘cause he’s more comfy that way*

E: …Not going there.

S: Thank goodness. Actually, the Bedouin often slept with their mares in their tents…more on this later.

E: And Frank’s gun is worth $10,000. Heh heh.

S: So…wait, the Sheikh’s name is Riyadh and his daughter is Jazeera? So, if this movie were set in America, he’d be Big Chief Washington and his daughter Sienenn?

E: More like Big Chief Tallahassee and his daughter Florida I think.

*And Frank buys a slave boy to show how noble he is*

Frank: Yusef! Quit spittin’ on my harmonica!

*Frank has a chat with Lady Anne*

S: Dude, Anne’s tent is de-luxe!

E: Is that the Harvard Crest on her horse’s blanket?

S: Now that would be ironic! Veritas!

E: You know, I was just thinking…There’s a lot of fake interaction between real people in the movies. I mean in The Agony and the Ecstasy we had Michelangelo/Raphael and here we have Frank Hopkins/Lady Anne…

*E Ships Historical Figures…and Hidalgo’s opponents are all Barbs…*

S: ‘Cause they filmed in Morocco. Although, there are Arabians in Morocco…

Sakr: Desert law compels me to speak truthfully.

E: That is the lamest excuse for being rude I’ve ever heard!

Announcer: You will ride from sun up to sun down.

S: Wait…Are they not allowed to ride at night?

E: Um…who’s this prince again? I thought the Sheikh’s sons were all dead.

*And the first casualty is a horse*

S: (cries)

*Frank plays with shit, literally. Hidalgo rolls his eyes*

E and S: The Prince was rapidly becoming obsessed with Frank Hopkins…(10)

E: Why are there British soldiers in the middle of the desert?

S: Haven’t you been watching this movie, E? British=EVIL.

*Frank outsmarts the silly English…*

S: I love how Hidalgo just wordlessly understands the whole plan…’

E: I think Frank’s been watching Indiana Jones…

Announcements!

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 21:01:41 GMT

Dear readers, we have a number of fun announcements today in addition to our latest reduction.
S: Huzzah!!
First, wicked_visions has very kindly made some icons and banners for us!!! Check out our profile page and take one! (If you know how. We don't. We needed help just to get them on the profile page and probably did something horribly wrong.)

Second, our very own S is going to be on the radio this month...
         E: Won't you break it, sitting on it like that?
         S: Har har har.
No, seriously, she's going to be a guest on a radio talk show on Tuesday, March 25. This is fun for you, readers, because:
1. You get to learn her secret identity!
         E: Ooooh!
2. You get confirmation that we are, in fact, real live human beings!
         E: Extraordinary!
3. You will find out if S sounds like a total idiot or not on live radio!
         E: That's exciting!
         S: I'm interested in that one, myself, actually.
4. You'll get to hear about a really good book!
         E: Gee. I wonder what that could be...
The down side is the show is only broadcast in New York (even though, weirdly enough, we're recording it out West). We'll give you more information soon!
         E: I can't wait!

And, finally, in honor of our tenth movie reduction (coming up in two weeks!), we're going to have a really fun special edition of Celluloid Reduction complete with games and contests!
         E: Now that is exciting!
         S: I can't wait! I've got all kinds of fun things planned!
         E: I remember those Halloween parties you used to have... (rolls eyes)
         S: You mean you don't like holiday-themed Jeopardy!-type trivia games, scavenger hunts, contests and homemade pizza?
         E: The pizza was good.
         S: Humpf!

And a bit of humor, because you expect it from us:

Animal personalities you can tell just by looking at their tracks in the snow:

Two roads diverged in a snowy wood:
Moose said: Who needs roads?
Coyote said: I'll take the road until I smell something more interesting.
Mountain lion said: I'll sit in this tree at the fork in the road and eat whatever comes by first.
Grouse said: I'll just walk on top of the snow, thanks.
Weasel said: Two roads! Two roads!! GoodygoodygoodyIloveroads! Don'tyouloveroads?? Two roads! I'll take both!!!

Yes. Weasels are the only animals in the world that are actually born on speed.

Is This Film Watchable?

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 19:26:57 GMT

*The Flush Lush is in a Rush!*

Alfie: Get me to the church on time!

E: Oh, dear, I like this song too. I like too many songs in this movie for my own good.

Alfie: Girls come and kiss me! Show how you’ll miss me!

E: Um…are these supposed to be prostitutes?

S: Right. So, getting married will change Alfie’s life how?

E: What’s the point of him getting to his wedding on time if he’s too drunk to stand?

S: Sorry. I think we quoted “Blood Wedding” already in a reduction. At least the “girls” here are quite ugly.

E: Another steaming pile of sarcasm. Just when my queasiness had nearly subsided.

S: It’ll come back, don’t worry.

*Alfie’s pals carry him to the church after a night of drunken debauchery*

E: Mosh pit!!

Lerner and Loewe: OK, kids! In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, today’s public service announcement is marriage = death!! Got it? Great!

*Higgins suddenly realizes that one can’t be a proper Englishman without an umbrella…I mean, wife.*

Mrs. Pearce: You can’t treat a girl like a lost umbrella!

Higgins: Why not? (whine) I want my dolly!! Mummy! I want my dolly!!

Mrs. Pearce: Nothing gets done around here without Eliza. Nothing at all. I can’t imagine why I’m mentioning this, as it means I’m utterly incompetent at my job, but, it’s in the script, so there you go.

S: So, since when did Eliza do everything around the house?

Higgins: She’s my dolly! “Mine! My own! My precious!!” (21) I paid five Pounds for her!!

Col. Pickering: Quite right. When a man pays for a girl out of his own pocket, he expects her to stay where he put her! “It’s the Americ—ahem! It’s the British way!” (22)

E: So, Eliza is 21? She looks about ten years older than that.

S: She was. More, actually. What a petty complaint, E!

E: Sorry. You know, Col. Pickering reminds me of Dr. Watson—always the loyal assistant who looks up to a brilliant, prideful man.

S: Hmm…Clearly brilliant is subjective…

Col. Pickering: Hello? Scotland Yard? […] What the girl does here is our affair! Your affair is to get her back here so she can continue doing it!

E: …That just sounds so wrong…

S: (sardonic) Just when you thought you could rely on Scotland Yard…

*Henry is confused about why Eliza left*

S: YAWN!

Higgins: Women are nothing more than exasperating, calculating, maddening, infuriating hags!!

E and S: …And this is supposed to be funny??

Higgins: Why can’t a woman be more like a man?

Col. Pickering: I beg your pardon?

Higgins: You know what I mean.

Col. Pickering: You mean, like when we…

Higgins: Shh!! Not in public, you dummy! No, I mean…oh, just listen to the song lyrics, would you? Honestly!

E and S: (giggle)

Higgins: By and large we are a marvelous sex!

E and S: No comment.

Higgins: Men are good-natured and kind. A better companion, you never will find.

S: (sweetly) How about a nice dog?

E: Or a talking, strawberry-tart-eating myna?

S: Or two scheming wolf-fish?

Higgins: If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

Col. Pickering: WHAT?? You forgot my birthday!!! How could you?!! After what I gave you for yours? Forget it, you selfish old coot! It’s over! I never want to see you again!!

Higgins: Would you be jealous if I took out another fellow?

S: “Take out” as in date, or “take out” as in whack?

E: I could go for some take out…

Higgins: Why can’t a woman be more like us?

S: This line kind of speaks for itself, really.

*“Comedic” song ends with a grand musical finale*

E: I don’t know. We laughed. A little. When we were done being sickened.

Col. Pickering: (on the phone) Hello? Brewsie!! Yeah, my little white slave left me. Can I come see you?

S: Man, he can’t go a day without it, can he?

E: …It’s his military background.

Higgins: There’s a friend! I’m disturbed—

S: I’ll say!!

Higgins: …and he runs for help!

E: Or something…

Higgins: Men buck you up when you are glum.

S: I totally heard something different there.

E: Get you’re mind out of the gutter!

S: Poor E. “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” (23)

Higgins: Why is thinking something that they never do? Straightening up their hair is all they ever do! Why don’t they straighten up what’s inside, instead?

E: OK, let’s just say that I’m offended by this whole song.

S: Man! I thought the song had finished back there with that huge musical flourish. Lerner and Loewe are just messing with our heads now!

Higgins: Would I run off and not tell me where I’m going?

E and S: …

E: So, Eliza gets to choose between the egotistical jerk or the nutso stalker? Nice.

S: She should move to America where her accent will be considered “cute” and there’re plenty of nice American boys and none of this classist crap.

E: Well…not to the same extent anyway.

S: Plus all the eligible bachelors in Britain are about to be killed in the First World War…

E: Hey! Let’s not have any history intruding on our movies, please!!

S: Sorry. I forgot.

*Eliza gets friendly with her future mother-in-law*

E: Well, that’s realistic…

S: What kind of mother sides with a flower girl over her own son?

E: Her son is Higgins, remember.

S: Oh. Yes. It’s all clear to me now.

Mrs. Higgins: Remember, you not only danced with a prince last night, you behaved like a princess.

S: No, she’s going to forget.

E: Maybe the Prince is available! Hey! Maybe I could take him if he is! He should totally take out a personal ad in the newspaper, and I could respond to it! “Prince Charming, 28, 6’0”, brown hair, brown eyes, seeks princess. She must have a sense of humor and be beautiful on the inside. Please call 555-PRI-NCE-C to respond.”

S: “Hungarian speaker preferred.”

E: Just burst my bubble, why don’t you?

S: That was some long night, you know. The ball probably lasted until one or two in the morning, then they had time for all that singing and throwing hissy fits and cab rides and hanging out in the wrong part of town. Eliza must not have slept at all.

E: But she’s in a new dress and looks very fetching all the same.

S: Well, it’s—

E: Yeah, yeah, we get it already!

Mrs. Higgins: Henry and the bishop? I’ll be excommunicated! Put him in the library!

E: OMG! I call the Professor in the garden with the flower girl!

S: OMG! I call the bishop in the library with the lead pipe! (24) No, wait…I mean…

Eliza: (sneakily) The difference between a lady and flower girl is in how she is treated.

Mrs. Higgins: Henry, I suggest you stick to two subjects: the weather and your health.

E: OK, Mrs. Higgins is kick-ass here.

Eliza: I’m not dirt under your feet!

E: Yeah Eliza!

S: She’ll forget it in a second. She likes being treated like dirt. It’s what she’s used to.

Eliza: You only want me to pick up your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

Higgins: You’re wrong! I want sex too!! And anyway, the question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether I treat anyone else better!

S: That’s quite the compelling argument there, Henry. “I’m a jerk to everybody! Will you marry me?” (Gags)

Higgins: I can get by without any other soul!

E: Um…except for the maids and the butlers and Mrs. Pearce…

S: …and Col. Pickering and his students and his objects of study…

E: …and his Mum.

Eliza: If you want to hear me, turn on one of your phonographs!

Higgins: But I can’t turn on your soul with a phonograph!

S: (snicker) Higgins wants to turn Eliza on…

E: I think he’s going about it the wrong way…

Eliza: Ooh! You are a devil!

E and S: Um-hum.

Eliza: I did what I did not for taxis and dresses, but…

E and S: For chocolate!!!!!

Eliza: …because we go together!

E and S: (disappointed) Awww.

E: Has she been in the same movie we’ve been watching?

S: “I’m stuck to my guy like a stamp to a letter, like birds of a feather, we stick together!” (25)

E: I was thinking more of “why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?”

Higgins: If you can’t appreciate what you’ve got, then you’d better get what you can appreciate!

S: I’m shocked! That’s the most sensible line in the whole movie!

*Eliza ponders Life Without Higgins*

Eliza: What a fool I was! What a dominated fool!

S: No kidding!

E: Don’t worry. She doesn’t mean it.

Eliza: I’m sure Keats will survive!

S: Actually, I’m pretty sure he’s already dead.

E: By about a hundred years…

*Eliza is so upset, she waters Mrs. Higgins’ flowers*

E: Well, you know, actors have to do something with their hands…

S: Is she singing Do-Re-Mi from The Sound of Music?

Eliza: I can do bloody well without you!

S: Interesting tangent: the line in Pygmalion that shocked audiences at the time and nearly cost the actress playing Eliza her career was “Not bloody likely.” (In the scene when she is introduced to the Eynsford-Hills.)

Higgins: I did it! I did it! I said I’d make a woman and indeed I did.

S: Actually he said he turn her into a duchess. She was already a woman.

E: So now he’s saying that he made her empowered. Ugh!

Eliza: Good-bye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again.

S: I wish!

Higgins: MOTHER!!!! Mummy! Mummy! My dolly doesn’t want me!!! WHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Higgins: Bravo, Eliza!

S: That should be brava, actually, as she’s a woman…

E: So, does this mean Eliza was putting on an act the whole time?

S: Apparently.

*Higgins Wants His ~~Security Blanket~~ ~~Precious~~ ~~White Slave~~ ~~Dolly~~ Twue Wuv Back!*

Higgins: I’ve grown accustomed to her face!

S: Yeah, well, some people grow accustomed to getting whatever they want. That doesn’t mean they’re entitled to it! Grrr. I HATE THIS MOVIE!!!!

E: Calm down, S. It’s almost over, I promise!

Higgins: Marry Freddy? […]

S: He’s actually describing the end of Pygmalion here.

Higgins: In a year when she’s prematurely grey!

E: Grey at 22??

S: He relishes the prospect of her suffering, notice.

*Higgy is in wuv*

S: FOCUS!!!!!

E: It’s a special effect because he lurves her.

Higgins: I love her! Her highs, her lows!

S: Now he loves her unconditionally? May I direct your attention to Exhibit A: After the ball Higgins says Eliza “looks like the very devil” when she’s been crying. I rest my case!

E: Don’t you want to make a closing argument?

Higgins: Women are like habits one can always break!

S: PUKEPUKEPUKE!!!

E: I see you feel quite strongly about this, S.

S: There are not words to describe my loathing!!

E: I think you’re managing to articulate your thoughts quite well. Although, I admit, instead of this—

S: GODAWFUL!

E: —song, we could have had a brief scene of the trip to Brighton or something.

S: Or better yet, made the movie shorter!

E: And apparently they've run out of melodies, because some of this music is the same as “Let A Woman In Your Life.”

*Meanwhile Pickering and “Brewsie” have run off to Gretna or something, never to return*

E: Did Higgins have the phonograph on when he first met Eliza?

S: I don’t remember. It’s skipping huge passages of dialogue anyway.

*Eliza returns all dewy eyed*

S: (vehement outrage)

E: OK, I agree with you here. About two seconds after Eliza told Henry she could live without him, she comes back to live with him.

Higgins: Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers?

S: (still seething)

E: At the very end, Henry still treats her like a dog to fetch his slippers. He NEVER shows in any way that he loves her! Why in heaven's name does Eliza go back to him?

S: Ahem. At this point, please break the DVD.

E: Who said that?

S: Beethoven. Except he said “piano”.

E: …At this point, please piano the DVD?

S: So, what’s the verdict on this movie?

E: I love musicals, and English accents.

S: Yep.

E: Everyone spoke with nice English accents.

S: It’s as English as chicken tikka masala.

E: Let’s never watch it again.

S: I’m fondly remembering Legend actually.

E: Why do we do this again?

S: Because we lurve it.

E: Sigh. I guess we’ve just grown accustomed to reducing movies.

S: By the way, where are my slippers?

E: Last I saw, I think you were puking in them.

S: Oh. Yeah. Can we watch something fun next time?

E: Seeing you lose your head like that was kind of fun, for me anyway…

S: Finger sandwich?

E: Are they made with real fingers?

S: Of course they’re made with real fingers! I never use the fake ones! We are not savages, you know.

Quote Key to Part Two:

14) The Tale of Peter Rabbit

15) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

16) Pride and Prejudice

17) The Music Man

18) Monty Python’s Flying Circus (“Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook”)

19) The Splitting of the World

20) The Bird Cage

21) The Lord of the Rings

22) The Muppet Christmas Carol

23) Oscar Wilde

24) Clue, the board game

25) “My Guy”

Join us next week for a more realistic (HA!) love story with Hidalgo!

Our hovercraft is chock full of writhing, slimy, squirming wolf-fish, baby!

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 19:23:27 GMT

Dear readers, we were willin’ to reduce this movie, we were wantin’ to reduce this movie, we were waitin’ to reduce this movie! Indeed, we could have mocked this movie all night, but we thought four posts was too much to expect even loyal viewers like you to get through in one day. After all, we assume that you, unlike us, have lives you need to live instead.

E: Very considerate of you, S. I won’t even mention how believing that your imaginary friends have important lives when you don’t is probably pathological…

S: You read it and you’re not imaginary. And neither am I.

E: ANYWAY…

We wanted to teach you how to cook something nice and light that you might eat at tea if you were an upper crust Briton. However, the tea cakes and finger sandwiches…

E: What did you say was in those sandwiches???

S: Cucumbers and watercress, of course.

E: Oh good…Oh no! I think I’m going to be sick again…

As I was saying, the cakes and sandwiches didn’t look nearly as appetizing at the end of the movie when we, erm, saw them again…

E: …Because the movie made us so nauseous we puked.

So instead, we’ll make some soothing chamomile tea.

E: It was good enough for Mrs. Rabbit. (14)

S: Wouldn’t it be nice if everything we quoted today was English?

E: Maybe, but I don’t think that’s possible. Better stick to quoting movies.

S: There are British movies.

E: Yeah, but, they’re foreign, so Americans can’t watch them.

So, take your chamomile flowers and put them in a tea ball or strainer (along with some peppermint leaves, if desired).

E: But preferably no ghouls. (15)

Pour hot (near boiling, but not boiling) water over it in your mug and steep for 3-10 minutes, depending on your desired pungency.

E: I really didn’t want to hear that…

Add honey and/or lemon.

Anyway, before we commence with the second half of our My Fair Lady reduction, we’ll calculate the score for this garbage. I mean…

1. Title: 1 point. Of course it calls to mind the song “London Bridge is Falling Down,” so I suppose we have some hint that the story takes place in London and involves a lady, perhaps, if we take it literally.

2. Story: 4 points. The Romans were probably fond of Ovid’s story of Pygmalion, the Greek (or Phoenician) man/king who fell in love with a beautiful statue. Frankly, this movie disgusts us, much as Shaw’s play disgusted us before.

E: I wouldn’t say it disgusted me…

S: It just made you sick.

E: I’m sure it had some good points. “Wickham can’t be all bad…” (16)

S: (aside) Do you see what I have to put up with?

3. Characters: 7 points. We actually like the characters. Higgins is set up perfectly to fall by his own hubris, (a classical theme), Eliza is very statuesque, and the juxtaposition of class and morality represented by the Eynsford-Hills, Higginses, and Doolittles is clever. However, Higgins learns nothing at all and Eliza gets a personalityectomy at the end.

4. Research: 7 points. The costumes were quite good. There were a few minor mistakes and we’re still wondering who the Queen of Transylvania is, but it wasn’t too bad.

5. Cast: 7 points. The cast works very well as a whole and we like all the principles. Point off for casting non-singers in the leads and then dubbing them. What’s the point?

6. Crew: 7 points. Everything was good, not special. The blurry dream sequence and out-of-focus “love” scenes were standard for the day, but a bit weird to us now.

7. Script: 13 points. Most of the dialogue comes straight from Shaw, so is quite clever and economical. The lyrics to the songs sucked (that’s a technical term) and the end is illogical, even in context. We’re glad that some things that could only be told on stage could be shown in the film, like the ball scene, but we wish they’d shown Henry taking Eliza to Brighton and buying her jewelry, too.

8. Music: 3 points. The actual music was a mixed bag—some pretty and lyrical, some harsh and repetitive, even when it didn’t need to be. As this is a musical, point off here for the lyrics, too.

9. Genre: 4 points. Sigh. We expect this kind of tripe from our musicals. Point off for lack of genuine humor in the “comedic” bits.

10. Editing: 1 point. We’re including the dubbing here. Apparently the filmmakers purposefully made it more obvious…

11. Effects: 3 points. It was clearly a set, but a good set—the rain was wet, the dirt was about as dirty as musical dirt ever gets—but we really don’t like the out-of-focus thing.

12. And? 2 points. We’ve nothing to add, really. It won a pile of awards. Meh.

Total: 59 points making it “Not Bad,” except it is bad! It’s really and truly horribly bad!! Yuck.

*Cinder-Eliza goes to the ball*

E: I do love her dress, you know.

S: If Higgins is such a brilliant teacher, why does Zoltan Karpathy have an accent?

E: So…is Karpathy like the villain or something? He reminds me of Peter Pettigrew. And I am kind of amazed Henry had other pupils, seeing the way he treats Eliza.

S: She’s different because she’s a woman. And apparently “Professor” is Higgins’ official title. He really sounds like a snake-oil salesman, doesn’t he?

E: You’re thinking of Professor Harold Hill. (17)

Woman: Who is she?

Col. Pickering: Oh, a cousin of mine, and Higgins’.

E: So Col. Pickering and Higgins are cousins?

S: Sure they are. (wink, wink) We’ve seen Troy… (See

history_spork)
E: And I notice Eliza is “charming” because she hardly speaks the entire time.

*Make Way For the Queen of Transylvania!*

E and S: … WTF?

S: Yes. Although Transylvania is now part of Romania, it was, at this time, part of the Kingdom of Hungary. Add to this the Magyarization of the government between 1867 and the First World War, and we can assume that the high-ups in “Transylvanian” government were ethnic Hungarians. And “Prince Gregor” is her son, apparently. I thought he would turn out to be her consort in an ironic nod to Higgins’ misogyny.

E: That would have been nice.

S: Why not just call him Prince Charming and get it over with?

E: You mean you don’t know how to say “charming” in Hungarian?

S: No. I can say “My hovercraft is full of eels,” though. (18)

E: …

*Eliza, the queen would like a word with you*

E: Um, actually, it looks like the Prince wanted a dance…

S: Why couldn’t he ask her himself?

E: Someone involved in writing this thing must have had a really domineering mother.

*Henry wants to dance too…but only so he can pass Eliza off to Karpathy*

E and S: [censored]

S: And Karpathy is doing all the talking.

E: I could’ve danced all night…

S: To the sound of castanets, apparently…

*Her blood is bluer than the Danube!*

E: Audrey Hepburn, incidentally, was really born in Belgium and spent her childhood partly in Britain and partly in The Netherlands.

S: OK, the Transylvanian obsessed with the pretty young lady’s blood is so cliché!

*He did it*

S: Why do all these people love Higgins so much? He’s never done anything to deserve it…that we’ve seen, which is probably what’s wrong with the movie.

E: OK, I really don’t like this talk of “stripping masks away” and how Henry “let Karpathy have his chance with her.” It really doesn’t sound right…

Higgins: Jawohl!

E: …? Why is he speaking German all of a sudden?

S: Don’t know. Romanian (spoken by three-quarters of all Transylvanians) is a, surprise, surprise, Romance language. Hungarian is a Finno-Ugric language unrelated to Germanic, Slavic, or Romance languages. Incidentally, “yes” in Hungarian is igen.

E: Related to the Karanian i. (19)

S: (gets teary eyed at the mention of our favorite book) Yes, yes it is. (Overcomes her outburst of emotion) Can you name four words English has borrowed from Hungarian?

E: Um…Goulash, right? Paprika…

S: Yeah, and coach (as in a kind of carriage) and saber (though the last is sometimes disputed).

E: Very fine words. How do you say “my hovercraft is full of eels”?

S: A légpárnás hajóm tele van angolnákkal.

E: Köszönöm!

S: Szívesen.

Col. Pickering: (to Higgins) Here! Have an urn!

E: And no one cares about Eliza at all, not even Pickering who knew how hard she’d worked and had been her advocate?!

S: I think Higgins’ faults have rubbed off on him.

E: And the maids aren’t putting Eliza to bed anymore?

Higgins: (to Eliza) Is something wrong?

E: Wow, he’s so sensitive and insightful and empathetic…

S: He’s back to calling her “the creature” I see.

Higgins: You don’t pretend that I have treated you badly?

E and S: Um…Yeah!! [censored]

Eliza: No.

S: I hate this movie.

Higgins: Have a chocolate. Women always say eating chocolate makes them feel better after the men in their lives treat them badly.

Eliza: What am I fit for? What have you left me fit for?

S: No kidding.

Higgins: Why, I’ve groomed you for marriage! Although, you sure are ugly when you’re crying.

E: I think Higgins must be a sociopath or something.

Eliza: We were above that at Covent Garden. I sold flowers, I didn’t sell myself!

S: Thank you!!! Exactly!

Eliza: Now you’ve made a lady of me, I’m not fit to sell anything else.

S: At last! Some sense in this movie! Of course, she could go work in a flower shop as she wanted. Her posh accent would gradually fade.

E: True. After all, actors do accents all the time and rarely is the change permanent!

*Eliza gives more backstory we weren’t allowed to see*

Eliza: Here’s what I think of that ring you bought me in Brighton! (Throws ring into fireplace) Oh crap! I could pawn it, couldn’t I?

Higgins: Nonsense. It’s just a cheap bauble of no inherent worth, except it represents my HEART, you ungrateful hussy!!! I wasted my regard and treasured intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe!!!!

S: Higgins seems a bit high-maintenance, doesn’t he?

E: I’m still wondering why we couldn’t see Higgins’ regard and treasured intimacy. It would have gone a long way toward explaining why Eliza goes back to him…

*Eliza digs through the cold!ashes under the burning!fire to get the ring…and then leaves it on the mantel.*

E and S: …WTF?

S: Oh look! Her accent’s coming back already! I knew it would.

*Freddy is still drinking in the street, the reprobate!!*

E: So Freddy stayed outside the house this whole time? Six weeks have passed and he's still wearing the same outfit and still looking as good as ever, so that's not really realistic.

S: People in movies never need to bathe or shave or eat or go to the bathroom, you know, it’s…

E: Sigh. Yeah, yeah. We know. It’s Hollywood.

Freddy: You may hear a lark in any other part of town!

S: That’s actually even weirder than it sounds. I’m not an expert, but I expect skylarks are like our American horned larks in that they live in open country. They’re not exactly city birds.

E: Freddy’s singing voice was better dubbed than Eliza’s.

S: True. This must have been weird for the actors, as neither of them is actually singing.

Freddy: On the street where you live!

S: I guess on the street is better than in the street…

Freddy: I often spend my nights here. It’s where I’m happy.

E: The boy has some issues…

Freddy: Darling! You know how I feel about you!

S: Um, how??!

E: This makes it seem that Liza, that little minx, has been leading on half-a-dozen men for the past six weeks!

S: (put out) And we didn’t get to see any of it!

Freddy: I’ve written to you several times a day! Sheets and sheets!

S: Oh. That’s how. Huzzah for exposition!

E: …So, he’s stalking her, basically.

S: “Isn’t it romantic”? (Gags)

*They sing*

Eliza: You’re not singing, dear.

Freddy: Neither are you.

*Show me!*

E: (to Eliza) If there's no time for a chat, and you never want to hear another word, why are you singing?

S: OK, hands down, this is the best song, in context, in the entire movie! I really like it!

E: In a very qualified kind of way, I see…

S: (is singing along)

E: (rolls eyes)

S: Seriously, though, Freddy should just throw his arms around Eliza and give her a big kiss and then live happily ever after.

E: But they haven’t established their relationship, so it can’t happen in the movie.

S: They haven’t established her relationship with Higgins either, but they expect us to swallow that!

E: True. And why have this song in the movie at all? If Eliza has enough self-worth now to expect kindness and respect from a lover, why does she go back to fetch Higgins’ slippers for him for all eternity?

S: Spoiler! You’re jumping ahead!

E: Oh, for goodness’ sake! Even I’m getting a little tired of this thing!

*Eliza has an awful lot of luggage for killing herself*

Eliza: I’m going to the river!

Freddy: Why?

Eliza: To make a hole in it!

S: “You’re taking your toothbrush to the cemetery? How Egyptian.” (20)

E: I don’t think all her dresses would fit in that one bag…

Freddy: I’ll get you anything you need, my darling! Just tell me what you want!

Eliza: Um…TAXI!!

Freddy: I can get you one of those!

Eliza: You couldn’t get it if I hit you over the head with it! I’m trying to get away from you, you creepy stalker!!

Freddy: I’ll go with you!

Eliza: (aside) Great. He’s completely nutters and dumb as a stump.

S: Wait a minute, does Freddy really know who she is?? And not to change the subject…

E: Translation: I’m changing the subject now, I sure hope you didn’t want to say something important.

S: …Audrey Hepburn was really skinny.

E: And now Eliza is totally nostalgic about her old home and everything.

S: If she were a real human being, she’d be repulsed by how filthy it is, and more by how filthy she used to be when she lived there!

E: And she’d be worried someone was going to mug her, all dressed up like that.

*Alfred P. Doolittle is now flush*

E: (giggles) He’s a flush lush!

S: So, why does Eliza need to get married, again? Her dad is now rich enough to help her start that flower shop, isn’t he?

Alfie: A year ago, I didn’t have a relative in the world…Now I’ve fifty and not a decent week’s wages amongst the lot of ‘em!

S: Sooo true! See, there’s a lot to like about this movie…superficially, anyway.

E: So, wait. Money makes you moral and want to get married?

*Ha! Take that, nasty stereotype of The Evil Rich!!*

E: Thank you.

S: I had to fit it in somewhere.

Alfie: You show ‘im, Eliza! You stand on your own two feet!

S: Listen to your father, kid.

E: OK, he says that and everyone knows she should and she still doesn’t. I’m starting to really dislike this movie.

S: At last! What the heck is wrong with these people?! I mean, Alfie could even afford to support Freddy, too, probably.

E: Don’t look now, S, but there’s more anti-marriage misogyny coming up.

Dolls and Guys in Dresses

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 05:41:10 GMT

*Eliza accuses Higgins of having been drunk the night before*

S: …Not that that justifies his insulting her!

*Higgins threatens to beat Eliza with a broom*

E: He’s preparing for The Agony and the Ecstasy. He has to practice using his whacking stick.

S: That’s dedication, I tell ya!

Higgins: I’ll be worse than two fathers!

E: So, fathers only exist in the world to beat their children? That’s a nice thought. Actually, I'm quite surprised that Pickering and Mrs. Pearce defend her. They aren't invested in her—she's just some random girl off the street.

S: (sweetly) Why, Miss E Higgins! You don’t think she deserves courtesy simply because she’s a fellow living creature of the world?

Higgins: Draggle-tailed guttersnipe! Scrub her with sandpaper! Burn her clothes! Wrap her in brown paper! Wallop her!

S: I’m just going to let Higgins speak for himself here.

Mrs. Pearce: You can’t walk over everybody like this.

Higgins: Walk over everybody? …I wished to be kind to this poor girl. If I didn’t make myself clear, it was only because I didn’t want to offend her delicacy…or yours.

E and S: [censored]

Mrs. Pearce: You can’t just pick a girl up like you would a pebble!

Higgins: Why not?

Mrs. Pearce: You don’t know anything about her! (etc.)

E and S: …and, um, maybe because she’s, you know, A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!

*Higgins turns on the charm*

Higgins: The Street will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for you before I’ve done with you!

S: Yeah, I know the feeling. It’s so inconvenient when I go to put the trash out.

E: …This would be in the magical world of your self-delusion?

Eliza: I don’t want no barmy teaching me!

S: Very sensible girl, this Eliza, isn’t she? I concur.

Col. Pickering: Does it occur to you, Higgins, the girl has some feelings.

E: Yeah. Just a few…

Higgins: Oh I don’t think so. No feelings we need worry about.

Mrs. Pearce: What’s to become of her?

E and S: Exactly.

Higgins: Well, when we’ve done with her, we’ll throw her back in the gutter so it’ll be her business again. That’ll be all right, won’t it?

Eliza: You’ve no feelin’ ‘eart in you! You ‘ave no feelin’s for nothin’ but yourself!

E and S: True.

*Higgins bribes her*

Higgins: “I haven’t poisoned that chocolate, you know!” (8) You’ll have chocolate and taxis and gold and diamonds!

Eliza: I don’t want no gold and diamonds!

E and S: No, just chocolate and taxis…

Higgins: If you refuse this offer, you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl and the angels will weep for you!

E and S: [censored]

Higgins: You barbarous wretch!

S: Stop talking to yourself, Henry.

*Eliza gets a bath*

Mrs. Pearce: You can’t be a nice girl inside if you’re dirty outside!

E: …That’s not what I heard…

*Fierce maids will now…wash her!*

E: …

S: Sorry. It’s easy to see why men would like this movie, though…

*Fog machine obscures all*

Col. Pickering: Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

E and S: No!

Higgins: Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

Col. Pickering: Yes. Frequently.

S: Frequently? Wait, do you mean frequently as in “often” or frequently as in “a person who’s lost his parents”…no wait, it doesn’t work. (9)

E: And now Henry will expound on what’s wrong with women that makes men lose their good character…or whatever.

*Henry sings about how perfect he is*

S: Who’s self-deluded now, eh?!

E: And Pickering thinks it’s funny.

S: It’s in the script.

E: I have a feeling we’re going to hate this song…

Higgins: I’m a very gentle man…

S: Why is he sitting like that??

E: More on this later…I hope.

Higgins: The sort who never could, never would, let an insulting remark escape his lips.

E and S: Uh-huh. Which movie is he watching?

Higgins: She’ll ask for your advice…and then go out and do precisely what she wants!

S: …Isn’t that the point of asking for advice? Getting other people’s views so you can form your own opinion?

E: So…apparently, women make you curse and then you marry them and then you die.

S: I am so tired of this song now.

Higgins: All her friends will come and chatter and tell her what the matter is with you!

E: That’s what friends are for!

S: I’m skipping ahead…he says all women’s families are boisterous and their mothers are fat (while miming large breasts) with voices “that shatter glass.” I wonder how he’d reconcile this if he’d had a sister…

*Higgins turns on his Alvin and the Chipmunks records…*

E: And he turns on four phonographs and only turns off one to make it silent again…

*Wif a little bit o’ luck…we won’t have to watch any more of this.*

Alfie: Work takes all day!

S: It certainly does! Best not to do it at all…

E: Apparently he’s never heard of the deadly sin of sloth.

S: Is that bread shop called Fagin’s? (10)

Alfie: The gentle sex was made for man to marry…and to see his food is cooked.

Woman: [Eliza said] never mind about sending any clothes!

Alfie: I knew she had a career in front of ‘er!

E and S: …

*Meanwhile, back at the ranch…*

E: And Henry advocates rote memorization instead of comprehension. How typical.

Mrs. Pearce: You can’t keep working the girl like this—

E and S: At last! A human being!

Mrs. Pearce: You’ll exhaust yourself!

E and S: [censored]

*Alfie’s got a deal for you!*

E: And Henry shouts through the whole house…

S: That’s his good breeding.

Alfie: I can see you’re one of the straight sort.

E: …more on this later…

Higgins: You mean to say you would sell your daughter for 50 Pounds? Where on earth did I leave my checkbook…?

Col. Pickering: (to Alfie) Have you no morals, man?

E: Oh, that’s rich!

S: Sure. Henry’s taking Eliza in for free and abusing her is “charity.”

*Alfie moralizes…quite cleverly actually*

E: How did Pickering know he wasn’t married? And I just realized this makes Eliza a bastard.

S: See! She and Henry do have something in common!

Higgins: If we listen to this man much longer, we’ll have no convictions left!

S: (politely) Have you any now?

*Eliza plots her revenge…*

S: This song is sooo stupid!!

Eliza: Just you wait ‘til we’re swimmin’ in the sea!

S: And wet ‘erself oll owva’?

*Screen goes all blurry as grey-haired king appears*

S: FOCUS!!

E: That’s a special effect. So, her birthday is May 20^th?

S: Which is also St. Lucifer’s day, incidentally…

E: …And which king is this?

S: George V I guess, though he was only 47 in 1912…

*Eliza has such a vivid imagination, she believes in it herself!*

Eliza: The rain in Spain…

S: Well, actually…

Higgins: Hartford, Heresford, and Hampshire!

E: What about herb?

S: Herb. “’Cause it’s got a f***ing ‘H’ in it!” (11) Though I don’t know why the letter is an aitch, then, and not a haitch…

E: A haitch?

S: Yeah, like when things go exactly as planned in West Virginia, you say they “went off without a haitch.”

E: …You know, the spinning mirror really doesn’t help.

S: Why is Eliza so stupid? Actually, don’t answer that. I think I’ll be asking it again by the end.

*The Help sings about Poor Professor Higgins*

E: I hope those maids are being sarcastic…

S: The words could only be interpreted that way and yet…I get the feeling this is another example of “if the writer says it’s so, it must be so.”

*The marbles…*

Higgins: If it was good enough for Demosthenes…

E: Actually, I expect that story’s apocryphal.

S: Man, I could say so many things about Demosthenes right now…but I won’t.

E: Thank goodness!

S: Although I will just mention that humans, like rats, learn much faster when they’re allowed to “sleep on” any new information.

E: …I am not taking the bait!

S: Neither will they as often if they’re sleep deprived. By the way, don’t you hate this talk of “conquering” a language?

*And Henry encourages Eliza*

E: Finally.

S: Reluctantly.

E: But that’s just what Eliza needed to suddenly get it exactly right. I think maybe I’m starting to dislike this movie a little bit.

*But it works!*

S: It’s a miracle!

Henry: Let’s take our dolly to Ascot!

Col. Pickering: Oh goody! You’ll ask your mum first, won’t you?

Henry: Of course! Erm, well, actually, no, let’s surprise her. Come on, let’s go to bed!

E and S: Oh boy!

*And Henry fantasizes about Col. Pickering in a dress…*

Higgins: And we’ll wear little dresses with a bow just there! Yes, that’s right!

E: What??!

S: You’re watching the same movie I am!

*Eliza could have danced all night, despite her magical disappearing headache*

E: Sigh. This is my favorite song!!

S: OK, I admit, on it’s own, the song is nice, but here??! WTF??

E: They had to establish the lurve story.

Eliza: I’ll never know what made it so exciting!

S: Neither will we. Since Henry has been so nice…

E: Maybe she’s singing about Col. Pickering…

S: And she leaves the water running in the sink. Bad dolly!!

E: And she’s not happy because she’s proud of her achievement, but because Henry spun her around the room once.

S: She’s delirious. Lack of sleep. You know.

E: I wish…Meanwhile, Eliza worships Henry, and lives for his approval.

*At Ascot and Henry is way underdressed*

E: OMG, S! I think they killed our mascot and made their dresses out of him!

S: Oh no! Poor…darn it! We don’t have a name for our mascot! What should we call him? Muppet name! Stat! Um…Sweetums. That’s good. Poor Sweetums!

E: I get that it's supposed to be ironic that people are singing about the exciting race, while they don't display any emotion, but this scene is still odd.

S: Forget Notlob! We’re in Stepford again!

*Women have stolen their hats from Dr. Seuss*

E: And we meet Henry’s mother…which explains so much…

S: He really has no manners at all, does he? They can’t take him anywhere!!

E: It’s further proof he’s a good match for Eliza, who, incidentally, sounds like a robot.

*Freddy is smitten*

S: And Eliza jabbers meteorological nonsense…

Eliza: They done her in!

S: They done me in with this [censored]!

*Henry puts his teacup on his hat*

E: Now there’s a mistranslation if ever there was one! He’s supposed to wear a tea cozy as a hat! (12)

Higgins: Quick, let’s place a bet, before you give away your low birth, Eliza!

Freddy: Here, take mine!

S: Oh, that Freddy. So gallant. Throwing away his money on the pretty girls…oh wait.

*And the horses go by*

S: Some racehorses! They’re all black and white, too. English Thoroughbreds don’t come in black or white!

E: They dyed them for the race. This is the dawning of the age of haute couture, after all.

S: You don’t pronounce the h in that. It’s like herb.

E: (facepalm)

Higgins: Oh Mummy! Pickering and I are having so much fun playing with Eliza! Talking to her, dressing her, buying little accessories for her, doing all the little voices…

S: This is like those people who put little pink bows on their dogs’ ears…

Mrs. Higgins: You're pretty babies, playing with your live doll!

E: Exactly.

*On the Street Where She Lives…*

Mrs. Pearce: Do you want to come in?

Freddy: No thank you, I want to drink in the street where she lives.

E and S: …

S: He wants to drink in the street? Won’t he get arrested?

E: I think this is an example of a line that mocks itself, actually.

S: Quite. Although I guess this explains why she can’t marry Freddy—it’d mean she had an Electra complex or something…

E: I think we’ve taken this willful misinterpretation far enough now.

Freddy: Many times have I walked down this street before…

S: He has? So…they’re actually neighbors?

Freddy: But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before…

E: That’s the drink talking.

Freddy: All at once am I several stories high…

S: Great. He’s hallucinating too.

Freddy: People stop and stare, they don’t bother me ‘cause there’s nowhere else on earth that I would rather be!

E: So he’s completely nuts, then.

S: Note to Lerner and Loewe: “rather” does not rhyme with “bother”, even in England. Meanwhile Eliza et al. are eating avocados.

*Six Weeks Later*

S: Whoa!! Time jump!!

E: Is Freddy still outside?

Col. Pickering: The last six weeks…

E and S: Went by so fast our heads are still spinning.

Col. Pickering: …have exceeded all bounds of human decency.

E and S: And we missed it??!!!! Darn this movie!

E: Whoa! Is this reduction as long as I think it is? Better “skip a bit, brother.” (13)

Higgins: [Eliza] matters immensely!

E and S: Yeah, to your colossal ego!!

*And the music swells as he takes her arm and gives her all sense of worth*

E and S: (GAG!!!!)

*Intermission*

S: I don’t like the music. I’m fast-forwarding…

E: Ugh, why does this movie have to be so long?! Oh look, they even have an overture to part 2!

S: That’s called an entr’acte actually. I’m really practicing my French tonight, aren’t I?

E: I hope you have a license!

Quote Key to Part One: (We knew you wouldn’t want to wait for that!)

1) Monty Python’s Flying Circus (“Dead Parrot” Sketch)

2) Chicken Run

3) Old joke. I didn’t make it up.

4) Pride and Prejudice

5) Due South

6) Remington Steele

7) The Lord of the Rings

8) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

9) Pirates of Penzance

10) Oliver Twist

11) From an Eddie Izzard riff

12) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

13) Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Join us next week as some guy from Transylvania is very interested in Eliza’s blood, Higgins just wants her body, and aliens seem to have stolen her brain!

My Foul Guttersnipe

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 05:37:45 GMT

S: So, there we were, on the 29^th of February, ready to get this reduction posted, when suddenly, we were caught in a time warp and…

E: Oh my gosh, S! Don’t insult the intelligence of our readers with lame excuses! Ignore her, please! We’re so sorry this is late!

S: Who are you apologizing to? Nobody reads this…

E: That’s not proper grammar, S.

S: Sorry. To whom do you apologize, Little Owl? To whom? To whom?

E: That’s better.

Dear Readers, actually, this movie was so horribly annoying (not to mention long!) we have, well, a much longer reduction than we ever thought possible. We haven’t forgotten you or our mission in life, don’t worry! We will instead be posting this reduction in two installments over the course of this week, starting now. Think of this as something to relish—after all, we’re giving you twice the reducing in, erm, twice the amount of time. We hope it was worth the wait! Here’s Part One of Part One:

*Brief Introduction to special 30^th Anniversary Edition*

Host (who played Freddy in the movie): Without the work of the restorers, this version couldn’t exist…

S: I wish it had been lost forever…

E: Now, S! Be nice!

S: Oh Lord. Is this Lerner and Loewe again?? Please tell me we aren’t watching this!

E: (singing) Oll a wont is a reum sumwha’, fa’ awai freum the cald noit a’, wif wun enormous cha’, oh wouldn’t it be loverly?

S: Save me!

*Credits*

E: Look at all the pretty flowers!

S: So, this musical is based on the play Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw (here called “Bernard Shaw”). This explains the wittiness of the dialogue, and, sadly, the mixed up social values. I wonder if Shaw meant to make Higgins so very like himself?

E: What?

S: I’ll talk about it more later.

E: Of course.

S: Directed by George Cukor, who was quite respected in his day.

*Women emerge in headdresses and feathers and furs and all*

E: Those dresses are…um…

S: …Yeah.

E: They look like Norwegian blue parrots.

S: “Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue, innit, eh? Beautiful plumage!” (1) We’re not in Notlob anymore!

E: …What year is this supposed to be, anyway?

S: Well the play Pygmalion was performed first in 1912, so that’d be my guess.

*Someone turns on the overhead sprinklers*

Costumer: [censored] Goddammit, George! Do you have any idea how much those fabrics cost??

Director: Shush! It’s in the script, see?

Costumer: (reads) Exterior, night. It begins to rain. (stops reading) Oh, for…

S: Hey look! It’s Freddy!

E: What? Where?

S: Don’t worry, he’ll come back. He has a song in his heart that has to be sung.

E: …You know, I do think that Audrey Hepburn makes a good Eliza, but I would have liked to see Julie Andrews play the part in the original musical.

S: But then she couldn’t have been in Mary Poppins.

E: I feel like we’ve had this conversation before. I notice Eliza has nice teeth.

S: It’s…your line.

E: What? Oh, sorry. “It’s Hollywood.” I know. What kind of accent is Eliza supposed to have? Cockney?

S: Interestingly, when the word “cockney” was coined, it had a rather different connotation.

E: I can imagine…

S: See, back in the 16^th Century, London was still quite small and the people living in the center of town were more well-off than the people in the surrounding area. They saw themselves as rare and special as a cock’s egg.

E: “I don’t get it.

S: Roosters don’t lay eggs.

E: Don’t they?

S: No, it’s a lady thing apparently. Ask your mum.” (2) Later, things changed and the heart of London wasn’t as nice a place as it used to be—as often happens in cities when the rich move into newer areas and the poor take over their old neighborhoods.

E: That makes sense, but how does “cockney” come from “cock’s egg”?

S: The English are weird that way.

*Freddy and Eliza run into each other, but don’t notice each other*

E: What do you mean they don’t notice each other? How could they miss each other?

S: Of course they don’t miss each other! They don’t even know each other!

E: But do they know themselves? Anyway, I meant, how could they not notice they’d just run into each other?

S: Of course they noticed that they’d run into each other, they just didn’t notice each other in that way.

E: Oh, so, in any other movie, this would be the “meet cute” moment, but since Eliza and Freddy are not destined for each other in this version, it isn’t?

S: Exactly.

Mrs. Eynsford-Hill: Is there any sign of it stopping?

E: Doesn’t it always rain in London? Shouldn’t they be used to it?

S: And none of them has an umbrella.

E: They mention umbrellas later though.

S: I’m thinking of so many better movies, books, and plays right now…

E: Well, you know, Shaw was Irish. He can’t be expected to be an expert on English weather.

S: Yeah. In Ireland it only rains twice a year.

E: Really?

S: Yep. Once for five months and once for six months. (3)

*E rolls eyes*

E: Wait, what just happened? I was too busy listening to you talk.

S: Nothing important, just some self-centered character oblivious to other people’s feelings being introduced.

E: Don’t be silly! You were introduced in our first post!

S: Hmpf! I don’t much care for your insinuations, missy. I never bore people. I always have fascinating and insightful things to say!

E: (yawning) What? …And Eliza shouts at the crowd, while they all look at her like she's nuts, which she is. And have I mentioned how perfect Rex Harrison is for this part?

S: Well, it was written specifically for him!

Higgins: A woman making such disgusting noises has no right to be anywhere, no right to live!

E: OK, saying that a woman should not be alive, even if she is of "low" standing, makes me annoyed!

S: Quoi? You are annoyed? My friend E who stole her personality from Jane Bennett? (4) I am shocked. Anyway…So, what I was saying about Shaw was, in addition to being a faithful Stalinist, he was a vocal proponent of eugenics, including the “humane extermination of undesirable social elements” by means of gas chambers.

E: But he believed in equal pay for equal work, for men and women.

S: But only if they conformed to their government’s will.

Higgins: Remember that you’re a human being that’s got a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech!

S: There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I’m not even going to bother.

Higgins: It’s the language of Milton and Shakespeare and The Bible!

S: …Since when was the Bible written in English?

E: Since James I.

S: Oh, right.

Higgins: You bilious pigeon!

E: What is with this calling people pigeons, anyway? What’s wrong with pigeons?

S: “It’s not that they’re dirty, it’s just that I’m beginning to question their loyalty.” (5)

Higgins: By rights she should be taken out and hung for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue!

S: And the pot’s calling the kettle black. The past tense of hang, as in “to hang by the neck until he is dead,” is hanged. I mean, after all, you can’t have some executioner somewhere who’s so skillful people comment that all his victims are well hung.

E: …That was a really long set-up for a really unrewarding joke.

S: “I can’t be clever all the time, you know.” (6)

E: You know, I like people speaking proper English, too, but you won't hear me sing about it!

Higgins: to hear a Yorkshireman, or worse, a Cornishman converse…

S: (quietly) I rather like a Yorkshire accent…

E: (pats her arm sympathetically) Of course you do, dear. And you can just keep on liking it as much as you want.

S: Thank you. I will.

Higgins: This verbal class distinction should be antique.

E: He makes a good point, except…

S: People should have the right to preserve their culture, too, if it’s not hurting anyone.

E: Exactly.

Higgins: The Scotch and Irish leave you close to tears.

S: Scots. I used to like this song, but today it’s really bothering me.

E: I guess you just never really thought about the words before.

S: I guess not.

Higgins: Well, in America they haven’t used it for years!

E: Aren’t you going to protest this?

S: Sigh. I could, I suppose, but it’s not worth it. We certainly don’t speak the same dialect, but it’s surely recognizable as the same language.

Higgins: Arabians learn Arabian.

E and S: What the heck is that?

Higgins: Hebrews learn it backwards…

E and S: As opposed to the aforementioned Arabians??

Higgins: But use proper English, you’re regarded as a freak.

E: There’s some truth to that.

S: Never mind that Higgins himself can’t always be bothered…

E: And he’s totally pretending to drink from an empty cup of tea there…

*Higgins speaks to Eliza*

Higgins: You squashed cabbage leaf, you disgrace to this noble architecture, you incarnate insult to the English language!

S: Gee, what a nice guy. Don’t you just want Eliza to fall in love with him?

E: You’re dripping sarcasm in my tea.

S: Wait, Higgins lives in Wimpole Street? Does he know the Barretts?

Eliza: You ought to be stuffed with nails!

E and S: No kidding! The [censored].

Col. Pickering: There are 146 distinct Indian languages.

S: SIL International’s Ethnologue (a source not without other known errors) lists 415 languages spoken in the modern country of India (does not include Pakistan which became a nation in 1947). The 2001 Indian Census listed 151 languages with at least 10,000 speakers.

*All Eliza wants is a room somewhere…and chocolate*

E: That’s reasonable. It keeps the fog, I mean dementors, away, after all.

S: It’s pretty obvious she’s not singing there.

E: You know, for the longest time, I had no idea Eliza was singing "coal" and "heat."

S: Well what on earth did you think she was singing?

E: I didn’t know! I thought she wanted a cow to eat!

S: Well, that’s why she’s pantomiming everything.

E: It’s for the Americans in the audience again, I suppose.

S: It always is.

E: And to be perfectly happy, Eliza requires a man.

S: Naturally. It’s Holllyw--…actually I think we’ve really worn out that joke by now.

E: Wait, I saw Eliza put the coins in her hand, but then they just vanished. And then she rides off in the garbage cart and everybody waves.

S: Nice painted backdrop…

*Alfred P. Doolittle enters wearing…a safety pin*

E: He’s going for the punk look.

S: I point it out not because it’s anachronistic—the modern safety pin was invented in 1849—but because it was invented by an American.

E: Of course.

Eliza: Not a brass farthing!

E: If Eliza doesn't want Alfie begging off her, why does she keep encouraging him by giving him money?

S: Blood is thicker than beer…or something.

E: What is a brass farthing anyway?

S: Well, I can’t be sure as the origin of the phrase did not seem to be on the internet…at least not any place the web browser was willing to take me…

E: Those darn web browsers! They never take you anyplace nice!

S: I know. Anyway, in the mid-17^th Century, there was rampant counterfeiting in England, particularly of small coins like the farthing (made of copper and worth a quarter of a penny) because the Royal Mint did not mint copper coins—the king instead issued farthing patents to private citizens. So one of these manufacturers (can’t find the exact year, sorry), Lord Maltravers, invented the “Rose farthing” which had a “plug” of brass in it, instead of pure copper, making it harder to counterfeit (but I’m not sure why that would be a deterrent…). So, even though it appears that these people are refusing Alfie even a worthless lump of metal, “brass farthing” should (to my mind, anyway) mean “the genuine article.” The farthing stopped being used and accepted by businesses in the mid-20^th Century and stopped being legal tender as of January 1, 1961.

E: Thank you. That was very…thorough.

S: I do my best.

E: Where were we again?

*Weird city tableau is set up*

E: Oh yeah.

S: I sense a musical number coming up…And fancy matching horses are pulling the vegetable carts…

E: It’s Hollywood. Again.

Alfie’s friend: How you gonna find ‘er if you don’t know what she looks like?

E and S: Excellent question. Call Scotland Yard!

E: So the point of Alfie not being married to Eliza’s “stepmother” is…what? To show that the poor can’t afford morality? That they aren’t happy? I don’t get it.

S: And this “oh! Look at the funny drunkard!” thing seems to be a recurring theme for Lerner and Loewe…

E: And Eliza is stealing peas and hearing voices in her head…

*In the laboratory…duh duh dunh!!*

Higgins: There are 130 distinct vowel sounds…

S: The man is not human to hear all those sounds.

*Eliza arrives in her best hat*

Mrs. Pearce: There’s a young woman here to see you, sir.

Higgins: A young woman??

E and S: What’s that??

Higgins: And I’ll show you in Bell’s Visible Speech and Broad Romic…

S: Seems odd he would prefer “broad” Romic after hearing 130 distinct vowel sounds...

E: What? Are you going to explain it all again?

S: Of course. Bell is Alexander Melville Bell (who died in 1905), the father of A. Graham Bell, inventor of the telephone…at least in America.

E: We’ve talked about him before.

S: We have, so I won’t bore you. His Visible Speech was meant to help the hearing-impaired learn to pronounce English words correctly. It used pictures representing the mouth and throat to literally show the language…

E: …Hence the name.

S: Hence the name. He was also married to a woman named Eliza. Romic was a precursor of the International Phonetic Alphabet and was invented by Henry Sweet (died 1912)…

E: That’s a nice name…Hey! Wasn’t that the name of a character in a Roald Dahl story?

S: That was Henry Sugar.

E: Thank goodness it wasn’t Henry Higgins.

S: ANYWAY…it used symbols to represent exact sounds. I don’t know if he used the terms broad and narrow, though. Those are used by modern users of the IPA and show, respectively, only the prominent sounds in a word or all the sounds in a word.

E: Hence your comment.

S: Hence my comment.

Henry: Baggage!

E and S: No! You said it wrong! It’s Baggins! (7)

Reducers Who Did Not Want to Watch This...

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:41:15 GMT

But first, something that made us truly ecstatic—

orworseexpelled

has generously lent her support to our life-saving twelve-step program.

E: Life-saving? How many lives have we saved?

S: Think of all those poor young people who, in their ignorance, might otherwise have rented Legend!!

E: Right. Our incredibly amazing, life-saving program!

Boy, that Hermione’s not the smartest of The Trio for nothing! Meanwhile, we’ve been hard at work on our latest project…

E: The Sistine Chapel?

S: You’d better believe it! Rome wasn’t built in a day…

E: Nor was the Sistine Chapel ceiling frescoed. That took four years.

S: It doesn’t take quite that long to watch this movie, but it feels like it.

E: You expect-o Al Fresco? Is he coming over to watch this with us?

S: Yeah. Under the loggia…any minute now…why don’t you go look for him?

We are talking today, of course, about The Agony and the Ecstasy, based on Irving Stone’s novel of the same name. And, just as the ceiling was unveiled in two halves, our reduction has been divided…again. We just had so much to make fun of!

Naturally, for our recipe we wanted to do something Italian. We considered making one of the classic Italian dishes familiar to our readers, but then remembered that tomatoes were not being eaten in Italy yet at the time of the frescoing of the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

E: They weren’t?

S: No, they weren’t.

E: So no pizza? Or spaghetti with marinara sauce? You’re not going to make fried scorpions again are you?

S: Of course not. Most of the Sistine Chapel’s frescoes deal with Old Testament stories or the life of Jesus. Fried scorpions are not kosher.

Anyway, we have instead decided to do a rather unusual, though oddly delicious, meal of S’s own invention.

E: Oh dear. I sense impending doom.

S: How dare you? I’m an excellent cook.

E: I still remember that Spinach & Artichoke Stuff from Kate & Leopold.

S: Are you going to hold that against me for the rest of my life?

E: Probably.

Ahem. We give you:

Chicken and Risotto Sandwiches!

E: You’ve got to be kidding me!! Rice in a sandwich?

S: Remember I’ve spent a lot of time in Hawai’i over the years…We will, of course, be roasting our own chicken and baking our own bread.

E: This is going to take four years!

S: You cannot truly experience the ecstasy of a gourmet meal without the agony of its preparation.

E: Sometimes the agony of preparation is followed by the agony of eating your experimental cooking.

S: Dear readers, I was able to put aside my differences with E over Becket, but this time, she’s gone too far!

E: I’ve gone too far?? I think I may just have to imitate il papa terribile and get my whacking stick.

S: Don’t you mean walking stick?

E: Nope.

S: Hey! Put that down! How dare you?? I am an artist!!!

[Readers, we apologize for the delay, but our studio is experiencing, erm, technical problems. We are working to resolve the issue and will return to our scheduled programming shortly.]

…So, then you add the one cup of Arborio rice to the hot olive oil in the pan. Stir in minced garlic and slowly pour in ½ c. dry white wine. Add the four cups of homemade chicken stock 1 c. at a time until the risotto is creamy and fully cooked. Stir in oregano, bread crumbs, pecorino romano, and one grated zucchini.

E: Don’t you mean one zucchino?

Ahem. At this point, you could stuff the risotto into tomatoes…

E: Which they didn’t have.

…which they didn’t have, but we do now. Or, you can mix it with the roast chicken and put it in a sandwich with the sourdough bread. It’s very tasty.

E: (tries a sandwich) Hmm, you know, it’s actually kind of good.

S: [censored]

S: You know, E, I think we need to stop watching movies about two great people who like and admire each other but end up fighting over some big issue in their lives. It affects us adversely.

E: Maybe you’re right. Let’s get the score over with quickly and start making fun of this movie again!

1. Title: 2 points. We haven’t read the novel, though we know the movie cut some of the story to focus on the frescoing of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. However, we found the movie to have lots of agony and little ecstasy, hence the 2 point deduction.

2. Story: 12 points. The pope senses that Michelangelo would be a great frescoist and wheedles and tricks and traps him into doing it against his will. We think Michelangelo should be a bit more enthusiastic and Julius should be a little less benevolent. Contessina and Giovanni de’ Medici seemed like mostly wasted characters, as was Raphael.

3. Characters: 7 points. See above. Michelangelo switches between seeming to fear the pope and thinking he’s an equal with him and his running away is not well explained. The secondary characters are mostly throwaways used solely for exposition.

4. Research: 6 points. This is fairly accurate, really. They rearranged some battles and eliminated some politics, but we’d forgive them for that due to time constraints. What we can’t forgive are the alterations of characters to conform to modern (1965 anyway) sensibilities: Michelangelo alone thinks artists should be free to create what they choose without regard to their patrons, and Michelangelo alone knows the true natures of God and men?

5. Cast: 6 points. We don’t have any huge complaints here, as much of the trouble was with the script and the characterizations, still, they could have done better with the secondary character casting…

6. Crew: 6 points. The direction was frankly dizzying, the group sequences were poorly organized.

7. Writing: 9 points. Some of the dialogue was (unintentionally) ridiculous and Michelangelo’s motivations were somewhat unclear. We still aren’t sure what the point of Contessina was.

8. Music: 3 points. Suitably epic, sometimes grating and loud.

9. Genre: 3 points. It’s a historical drama…and quite boring.

10. Editing: 2 points. No glaring errors.

11. Effects: 2 points. The fresco effects were good, though the paint looked like tempera. The vision and blindness effects were just weird. Matte paintings were rather obvious.

12. And? 2 points. The documentary start was plain weird, but we were pleasantly surprised by how short the movie was, though it felt long.

Total: 60 points. Not Bad. S liked it better than Becket though. What can she say? She sympathizes with struggling artists.

Quote Key:

1) Monty Python and the Holy Grail

2) The Dark Crystal

3) The History Boys

4) The Princess Bride

5) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

6) Back to the Future

7) Hamlet (Shakespeare)

8) Monty Python’s Flying Circus

9) Spartacus

10) Back to the Future

11) The Muppet Movie

12) “Two Loves” (Lord Alfred Douglas)

13) Monty Python and the Holy Grail

14) PBS

Join us next week for more Rex Harrison molding people to his will with My Fair Lady!

And More Agony!

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:38:18 GMT

*Scene change*

S: Wait, are we in Bologna again??

Julius: Here, hold my sword.

S: Um…is that the Spanish Inquisition he’s with there?

E: Aha! “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!” (8)

S: And Sporco runs away again…

E: It’s to make it more dramatic.

Bramante: Here’s Raphael de Santi!

S: Is he a French count?

E: Right. His real name was Raffaello Santi…

S: ‘Cause his father, also a painter, was Giovanni Santi.

E: But he signed his paintings “Raphael.”

S: He wasn’t as inventive at nicknames as some of his contemporaries.

E: But he was quite the celebrity in his day and Michelangelo saw him as his biggest competition.

S: Indeed, he was considered the better painter by far until Michelangelo finished the Sistine Chapel ceiling, and even then people argued about it, declaring Raphael’s works to have more “grace.” And he no doubt would have outshone Michelangelo as a painter (as Michelangelo really was a sculptor), had he lived long enough to realize the full potential of his artistic talent.

E: Sadly, he spent more time realizing the potential of some of his other, erm, talents…

S: But he doesn’t even speak in this movie, apparently.

*Soldiers look for Sporco*

Soldier: Have you seen my duckling? I mean, um, Michelangelo Buonarroti?

E and S: Did you check his house?

Soldier: Is Michelangelo here?

*Prostitute laughs*

E and S: Yeah, us too.

Soldier: We were informed he was here.

S: I’d drop that informant if I were you.

Prostitute: You’ll never find Michelangelo in a house like this!

E: No kidding!

S: He does seem to have gone to bath-houses to pick up guys though…Strictly to model for him, of course…

E: …Of course.

*Michelangelo works in the salt mines…I mean, marble quarry*

Sporco: “I’m Spartacus!” (9)

Workers: Mmmaaaarrrrbbbllleee!!!!

E: Is that opposed to ttiiiimmmmbbeeerrrrrr?

S: Yeah.

Sporco: “They found me! I don’t how, but they found me!” (10)

S: “It’s the police! The cops! The fuzz! The P-I—

E: Don’t you dare!

S: I wouldn’t dream of it.” (11)

Soldier: Have you seen Michelangelo the Florentine?

E and S: ‘Cause there’s only one guy named Michelangelo in all of Florence…

E: They’re taking this running away thing quite literally in this movie…

*Sporco hides in a cave in the mountains…*

E: Whose vaulted inside looks remarkably like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel…

S: I sense a divine vision approaching…What the heck is that animated grey stuff?

E: I think Sporco tripped and fell into God’s pensieve…

Michelangelo: Is that you, God?

God: No, I’m just a cloud. Pretend you don’t see me.

S: And the matte painters were a lot less talented than Michelangelo…

*Intermission*

S: Intermission? But it’s only been going, like, an hour! I’m fast-forwarding.

E: Oh look! Another war sequence!

*Julius wears mail*

S: They drag Sporco back with rope??

Julius: You’ve spent all this time thinking??

E and S: Or something…

Sporco: Your ideas are unworthy, Your Holiness.

S: Dang. Sporco grew some coglioni in that cave!

Sporco: In matters of art, Your Holiness, I have better taste.

E: Which is why Julius hired Raphael to paint his private rooms…

S: After having a little painting contest in the library between Raphael and Sodoma, whose nickname means exactly what you think it means…

E: I was so going to add something to this…but I think I don’t need to.

S: Thank you.

E: Meanwhile, Sporco has his whole plan for the ceiling with him on the battlefield.

S: I guess the cave was right next to an art supply store.

Sporco: Wait, is this right side up? I’m not a decorator! Give me 10,000 ducats!

S: In reality, Michelangelo agreed to a fee of 3,000 ducats, an unheard-of-ly huge sum for a bit of frescoing.

Sporco: No! I’ll work alone, it’s the only way!

E: The only way to what?

S: Make it exciting enough for Irving Stone, apparently. Which battle was that again?

E: They’re not naming them so the historical inaccuracies will be less obvious.

*Sporco is poor and has at least two assistants…*

S: Most of Michelangelo’s money problems were just him griping…Um, wait a second, he’s frescoing in the cold??

E: Let me guess, you can’t fresco in the cold?

S: No, it needs to be within an optimal temperature range or it won’t set up properly, like cement, so Michelangelo had to stop work during the winter months.

*Sporco’s team drops paint on cardinals*

Bramante: Look, Raphael, a ceiling!

Raphael: I’d comment, but I don’t have a speaking role in this movie.

*Sporco and Shrewish Sistina are kissing*

E: What is the point of this character again?

S: Because in 1965 people believed that all great artists were heterosexual.

E: Riiiight…

Sistina: Is it another woman?

E: Not likely!

Sporco: I wrote a sonnet to her…and then I prayed. But then I realized, I can’t have sex ‘cause I’m an artist!!

S: I don’t know. It worked for Raphael…

Sporco: I’m filled with love, but of a different kind…

E and S: …Is it “the love that dare not speak its name”? (12)

S: In all seriousness, though—

E: Awwww!

S: Michelangelo believed that, erm, carnal relations were bad for one’s health and he preached to others about the benefits of abstinence. Later in his life (more than twenty years after this movie’s setting), he developed close relationships with other men, particularly Tommaso de’ Cavalieri. There is, however, no proof (nor means of obtaining it) that he ever had a sexual relationship with anyone. Though I think his art alone shows he was never intimate with a woman…

E: It doesn’t really make sense, though, as there were plenty of Roman Venuses and Dianas and all around to sketch. Maybe he just really didn’t like women…

*Cardinals are scandalized*

Cardinal: Obscenity! This artist takes his inspiration from the Greeks who worshipped the naked body!

E: …Sorry. Greek…inspirer…Never mind.

Cardinal: The twisted bodies! The straining flesh! It’s kind of exciting…erm, I mean…Surely no Greek would have painted such a thing!

E: The Greeks weren’t exactly known for their painting…

S: Their bronzes on the other hand…The Discus Thrower anyone?

Sporco: I will paint man as God made him—in the glory of his nakedness!!

E and S: …

Cardinal: But in the manner of the Greeks!

E: This movie really is making it hard for me to be good…

S: (pats E’s arm sympathetically) I know, honey. Meanwhile, Michelangelo painted the Noah end first and it was all finished when he (as he had planned!) unveiled the first half of the ceiling.

Cardinal: Pagans, Christians…An artist should be above such distinctions!

E: Who wrote this dialogue?

S: Something tells me Martin Luther would’ve loved this movie…

Julius: You’re not the only artist in Rome!...Not that we’re going to see any of the others in this movie…

Sporco: I’m blind!

E: Wow! The special effects!!

S: They’re special all right…Oh the suspense as he slides down the rope!

*Sporco is going to be bled*

Sistina: In Florence we no longer bleed.

E: This must be one of the things Lorenzo changed when he restarted history…

Sistina: He’s in one of his working fevers!

E and S: …

Sistina: You smell!

S: I bet. Among his sundry other opinions, Michelangelo believed that bathing was unnecessary. He wore his boots for such long stretches of time (even in bed) that when he did take them off, observers said that a whole layer of dead skin would come off with them, like a snake’s skin.

E: Eww! S, I’m eating!

S: Sorry. Whoa, wait a minute! That woman’s name is Condescina?

E: This explains so much…

*Julius praises The School of Athens*

S: OK, um…Firstly, Julius had seen Raphael’s frescoes because Raphael, as I said earlier, was decorating Julius’s room…Plus, Julius was hovering around all the time, checking Raphael’s progress daily…

E: As he would have done with the Sistine Chapel ceiling…

S: …had Michelangelo allowed him. Exactly. Secondly, Raphael has conveniently left a little hole in the plaster for his portrait of Michelangelo as Heraclitus of Ephesus.

Julius: I see you’ve been to the Sistine Chapel.

E: Why? ‘Cause he’s doing a fresco??

S: It’s true that line would only make sense after Raphael added Michelangelo to the fresco.

Sporco: Why should I paint the ceiling?

Contessina: Because you’re going to be famous for it later.

*Julius is very calculating…and then explains it to the audience*

*Time passes…*

E: And Sporco spits in a church.

S: He’s an artist. he’s entitled.

E: Wow! The matte painters have added the rest of St. Peter’s!

S: …Which is ironic, as it wasn’t finished for another 120 years…

*And the ceiling is still only half done*

E and S: What was the point of the time-is-elapsing montage, then?

Swiss Guards: You must be this tall to join the army.

E and S: WTF?

S: I noticed they also decided to leave out the pope’s controversial beard.

E: And his ill health.

S: And minimize his habit of kicking people and whacking them with sticks…

*Raphael spreads his pearls of wisdom before swine…I mean Sporco*

E: You just mixed your metaphors there.

S: Oh look! It’s that woman again!

E: Aww…just when we were having a nice Michelangelo/Raphael moment…

Contessina: The pope loves your ceiling! Love makes the pope hit people! Love is the agony of being hit by the pope and the ecstasy of making great art…or is that the other way around?

*And we’re in Ravenna apparently, after the Pyrrhic French victory*

S: And Sporco has a really pretty horse.

E: See, S, the pope is sick, or something.

S: In point of fact, the pope’s miraculous recovery from illness after receiving the last rites occurred before the Battle of Ravenna. And it was only after this that the Swiss finally fought for the pope, driving the French out…for a while at least.

*Sporco is calculating*

S: He learned that from the pope.

E: Visions of Indiana Jones with the boy in the cardinal hat, there…

S: And Michelangelo wears little ballet shoes now? And his vision of God as a bearded old man was not unique at that time.

Sporco: I hadn’t felt that faith needed proof.

E: Isn’t that the definition? OMG! The pontiff is bleeding!

S: Don’t worry, it’s just paint.

*And Sporco will enrage the pope back to health*

E: Sheesh! No respect! That’s no way to talk to a dying man, Sporco!

Choirmaster: Quiet boys, the pope has died.

Pope: “I’m not dead yet! I’m feeling better!” (13)

Choir: Hallelujah!!

*And Julius blesses the ceiling*

S: This panning around the ceiling is making me really dizzy!

E: And what’s with the weird yellow bars on the screen?

Sporco: (smugly) Who’s the greatest artist now, Raffaello?

S: Ooh! The pope’s going to ask him to do The Last Judgment! I can sense it!

E: Of course it was really commissioned by Clement VII.

Julius: Are you content, my son?

S: He still has 51 years of work in him!!

Movie: This ceiling was made possible by God…and viewers like you. (14)

Sporco: It’s only painted plaster.

E and S: Sigh. It’s so true.

*Credits*

S: Whoa, Sangallo was in this? Which one? And Paride de’ Grassi?

E: Yeah, he must have been the guy with Julius after Ravenna. And the random Medicis were Contessina and Giovanni. Why they couldn’t make that clear in the movie…

S: It’s true that the pope died 3 ½ months after the completion of the ceiling, which was unveiled on October 31, 1512.

E: Naturally. His work was done.

S: So, everybody knew the ceiling was going to be famous?

E: Of course. The Renaissance was that wonderful period when everybody from the Dark Ages turned on the lights and saw all the wonderful wisdom we have now.

S: Oh silly me. I suppose it would be hard to read in the dark.

E: And paint.

S: And watch bad movies. I’m glad we haven’t tried to learn history from these things.

E: I agree.

*And Peace is restored at last at Celluloid Reduction…*

S: This really made me want to try doing a fresco, you know.

E: Just so long as I don’t have to eat it.

S: What?

*…Or maybe not*

The Agony!

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:36:23 GMT

*Camera flies by, tilting and making us very dizzy*

S: Roma! The Eternal City! Look! There’s St. Peter’s!

E: Isn’t this the narrator of some Disney movie?

Narrator: The scientific miracles of Rome…

E and S: ?

Narrator: This is the work of “An Artist Who Didn’t Want to Paint.”

E: What was wrong with him?

S: You know I have a cousin who’s an artist who doesn’t want to paint.

E: Oh?

S: Sì. È scultore.

E: And what Muppet name shall we give him?

S: Um…Scooter.

E: And will his sister be Skeeter?

S: Sure.

E: Did this documentary really precede the movie in the theater? I’m surprised people didn’t walk out!

S: Well, the lure of Charlton Heston was too great.

E: Riiiight.

Narrator: There had been soldiers in his family too, but never an artist. Michelangelo burst from his heritage like an unexpected flame.

S: So he was a mutant, then?

E: Florence!

S: Firenze!

Narrator: Florence—founded in 1469 by Lorenzo de’ Medici.

E and S: What?

S: Well, he was il magnifico. I suppose he could order a do-over of Italian history.

E: Maybe they mean that when he came to power, he supported the arts.

S: But that’s not what they said…Anyway, Florence was founded in 59 BCE on the banks of the Arno river, which was formerly a swamp.

E: “And it sank into the swamp. So I built another castle…” (1)

S: I notice we keep quoting the same movies.

E: That’s all right, so long as they’re different quotes.

S: Oh look! The Ponte Vecchio!

Narrator: He learned to draw…

E: …Naked men.

S: Are you going to take this seriously, or not?

E: Well, I’ve never taken this seriously before; I see no reason to start now.

Narrator: These significant sculptures were left unfinished, lest further work should compromise the essence.

S: Oooh… “The Essence!” (2)

E: I think he just ran out of time…

S: …or money. Look at the women!

E: “They aren’t women, they’re men. Their breasts look like they were put on with an ice-cream scoop.” (3)

*“Night” looks mournfully at her left scoop of ice-cream as it slides off…*

Narrator: Lorenzo banished the shadows of barbarism!!

S: And the music swells as “David” scowls…

E: He’s not scowling; he’s determined.

S: Sorry.

Narrator: “Moses,” so lifelike…

E and S: Except for the horns…

*And the real movie begins*

E: Just when I was going to get some popcorn…

S: Wait, I’ve seen this movie…This is the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

E: Wow, it looks like they have a couple of real Italians in this movie…

*And they are moving a giant block of plaster!marble*

E: It’s Hollywood.

S: Does that cart have rubber tires?

Extra: Damn this armor is hot!

Director: OK, draw your sword.

Extra: Che?

Director: Draw your sword!

*Extra drops his spear*

Director: No no no! Basta! Stop rolling! Let’s go over this one more time!

Extra: (mutters)

S: Oh look! Robin Hood is going to steal the big block of plaster!

E: I think it’s a battle…

S: Interesting mix of armor in this movie…and the music emphasizes how boring it all is.

E: Is that the pope???!

S: So…this is Bologna?

E: I’ll say! And that guy is totally dubbed.

Pope: “My People! A month from now…” (4)

E: S!

S: Sorry…and what was the point of this entire episode?

*Back in Rome with the architect Donato Bramante*

S: Of course Bramante was not his real name, but a nickname.

E: “A nickname?

S: Yeah, you know, it’s a name my friends call me.

E: I know what a nickname is!” (5)

S: Everybody had a nickname back then.

E: Especially in Italy. So, what was Michelangelo’s?

S: I think a person needs to have friends before he can have a name for them to call him. What people who didn’t like him called him shall be left up to the imagination.

E: Let’s give him a nickname of our own.

S: How about…Sporco, because he never bathed.

E: …

Bramante: Let’s go see!

S: Is it so unusual for blocks of plaster, I mean marble, to be brought into Rome during a period of multiple huge construction projects?

E: And Michelangelo lets the person he hates most in all the world into his studio?

S: And Charlton Heston says bra-mon-dee.

E: Oh God! The dialogue!

S: Whoa, wait…Michelangelo liked something Bramante did?

Sporco: Hold fast!

S: Is he on a ship or what?

E: And the pope is throwing coins at people?

S: With random voice-over lines…

*Pope exposits about Evil!French*

Julius: I too carry a stick!

S: I believe that’s properly called a scepter.

E: And he liked to hit people with it.

*Pope steals Sporco’s poem*

S: Wait…Michelangelo is sculpting after Bologna?

E: And Rex Harrison pronounces it bra-man-tee.

S: I guess we’ve heard all the variations on that now.

E: Except the correct version. And what’s up with this whole “the tomb would take Michelangelo 160 years”?

S: They wanted to let us know that back in 1965, Americans could still do math.

E: Well, we had to, you know, with the Space Program and all…

*Sistine Chapel ceiling is blue*

S: Look! Special effects!

Pope: Sistine is of course from the name Sixtus, my uncle, the pope who built it.

S: That must be for the Americans in the audience.

E: Wait, the pope was named Sixtus?

S: Yeah, see he was the sixth, you know from the Latin: one-us, two-us, three-us, four-us, all the way up to tennis.

E: Don’t you mean ten-us?

S: No, it’s plural because there are so many of them.

Julius: What is your opinion of the architecture?

E and S: Um, it’s a thick-walled medieval fortress built on a swamp—very unstable. I predict you will have problems with the walls sinking and the ceiling cracking, not to mention chunks falling off and killing Swiss guards…

*Pope calls Sporco by his last name…*

Julius: Why this sudden modesty, Buonarroti?

Sporco: Because I’m a fictionalized character?

Julius: I want you to…(music swells ominously)…decorate the ceiling!

E and S: EEEEEKKK!!! Not decorate the ceiling!!

Julius: Did you not paint The Holy Family for an obscure Florentine banker?

S: I’m sure he didn’t think of himself that way.

E: It’s Hollywood.

Julius: Bok bok bok bok!

Sporco: “Nobody calls me a chicken!” (6)

S: No. Just bizarro e fantastico…

*Michelangelo runs away in the night with a really heavy steamer trunk*

E: And now we’re at some party…

S: And that’s quite the hairdo that chick has…wait, is her name Sistina??

E: Who are these people?

S: Medicis apparently. Interestingly, Giovanni (later Pope Leo X), in addition to literally having a white elephant (Hanno, as in Hanno, one of the Carthaginian generals of the Second Punic War), was a big patron of Raphael.

E: This Sistina character is really…smirky.

Sistina: So you will build an inspired bridge across some Turkish backwater?

S: Backwater? The Bosporus? And connect Europe to Asia there? Not to mention achieve a seemingly impossible architectural feat instead of just painting wet plaster…

*Sporco and Sistina feel up a statue*

E: Oooh! The symbolism!

S: Did the real Michelangelo even know any women? I’m not even sure he knew his own mother…

Sistina: The best fresco assistants are in Florence.

E: Do they have a fresco-assistant school there or something?

S: Of course, the real Michelangelo thought the best everything was in his home town of Florence…

E: Which is true.

S: Naturally. He bought all his paint there and probably would have bought his food there if he could have.

*Going to the chapel…*

S: OK, tell me why having failed ideas happen and then get scrapped adds to the dramatic tension of a movie again?

E: Let me guess, Bramante never built his scaffolding because it wouldn’t work?

S: Exactly. These guys weren’t stupid, you know. They didn’t just try stuff and then question the practicality of it.

*Sporco and Bramante argue*

Julius: That’s it! If you two kids don’t stop fighting right now, I’m turning this mass around and going right back home!!

E: And some stagehands are up there pouring sawdust through random holes in the ceiling…

S: And Sporco introduces Granacci but not the rest of his assistants.

E: It’s so they can pay them less.

S: The real Francesco Granacci was six years older than Michelangelo (Michelangelo was 33 and Granacci 39 in 1508) and in addition to growing up on the same street, Granacci had encouraged Michelangelo to apprentice with him in Ghirlandaio’s workshop. Michelangelo enlisted him, not to help fresco, but to hire the assistants, all of whom, of course, came from Florence where two of the four had been in Ghirlandaio’s workshop and one had trained with Ghirlandaio’s son. Michelangelo also hired another Florentine and dear friend (“charisimo fratello” in fact), Piero Rosselli to chip away the old plaster ceiling and re-plaster it with the under-layer of plaster, over which the plaster that was painted on would go. And not painted on so much as painted in really, as the wet plaster absorbs the pigment in a rather amazing way, resulting in basically a colored limestone layer that is virtually impervious to the elements, if it’s done correctly, of course.

E: “Aye, there’s the rub.” (7) So Michelangelo never worked alone?

S: No. Those particular four assistants were hired on a short-term basis so Michelangelo could learn all the latest improvements in fresco technique. Cheaper assistants helped him for the last three years.

*Sporco experiments with the paint on the wet plaster…*

S: OK, just briefly…In order to paint in buon fresco, one has only a few hours to apply the color before the plaster becomes too dry and doesn’t accept the pigment.

E: You make it sound like a credit card or something.

S: So, you have to completely paint whatever you plaster, which ends up being only a few to a dozen square feet a day, depending on how complex the work is. In order to facilitate the speedy completion of a fresco, artists would create cartoons, which are essentially full-size drawings outlining the figures in the fresco, in charcoal or red chalk. These would be created by an artist in his studio and then transported to the fresco site when needed. There were several methods of transferring cartoons to the plaster, including pouncing with charcoal as shown in the movie. That method was used for detailed areas especially and was relatively slow, so Michelangelo didn’t use it for everything. Indeed, when he got more confident a few years in, he even frescoed a few figures free-hand; he completed one of the God panels in a single day. He also divided the ceiling into distinct areas, blocked off by trompe-l’oeil architectural elements and he would complete each area before moving on. The scaffolding was also between six and seven feet from the ceiling, so he could work standing up, albeit with his head bent back at an awkward angle.

Sporco: That’s enough for today.

E: Yeah, too bad you’ll have to chisel off tomorrow all that plaster you forgot to paint today…

S: And, he never started Julius’s design, but came up with his own complete idea before starting because, as we said, it’s a real pain to start over. It’s not like oil painting, for instance.

*And “the Hangman” goes to a bar to think…with his cartoons*

E: The Hangman?

S: What do you know! We do know a contemporary nickname for Sporco! That’s what Raphael called him, because he was always alone and grim and often scowling.

E: Not to mention smelly.

S: True. And he’s just going to do a little sketching in the crowded pub?

Random Girl: Draw me!

Michelangelo: Sorry, lady, I only do guys.

*Bartender wastes “sour” wine*

E: Must be the French influence.

*Sporco throws bucket of paint on his paper cutout people on the ceiling*